5/18/05 - 27 1/2 MONTHS - Reading the first line of my last post is almost depressing. The only reason I'm posting is in hopes of it some how motivating me to stay back on track. After my last post, I had dinner with some friends, went off my low carb/low calorie 'diet' and gained weight instantly. Ever since then I've eaten ANY and EVERYthing I want. Now, I've gained back 18 pounds. I am so miserable. Even my fat pants are tight on me...and how many days can you wear the same 4 or 5 pair of pants? This is no longer being all it's cracked up to be. It's almost like I've never even had the surgery...except for the fact that I can't eat as much...and that I'm hungry all of the time. Not that I'd consider those benefits. At least before surgery I would eat, be full, and stay full for hours. I know this is only a 'tool' and that i have to work with it for the rest of my life...I just didn't think it would ever get this hard again. It seems that in order to maintain my weight I have to stick with a low carb 1500 calorie a day diet. There's that evil word again. I know this is supposed to be a lifestyle change. It's just being so hard right now. I almost want to cry. Here I sit at 147 pounds feeling every bit as fat and trapped by food as I did at 274. I know it's stupid, but that's how I feel right now. I did start some counseling recently...I sure hope it helps...and soon. Since my last post, I've also taken up running. The first time I went out I could hardly run for two non-consecutive minutes. Now 10 weeks later, I can run for about 30 minutes straight and am running a 10 minute mile. I have really come to enjoy my time running. The only problem is that when I run I am starving all day. That's actually when my additional weight gain started. When I stopped eating low-carb/low-cal, I almost instantly bounced back to the 137 range. Then, when I started running, I was starving all of the time and slowly started to gain weight...another 10 pounds worth! And its not all muscle either...unless that poochy stomach roll counts. Well, I've decided its time to get back on the wagon before it runs me over! Today I've cut all carbs from my diet and upped my protein and water intake again. I was hoping to go back to all liquids for a few days but would have chewed through my desk by now...so, I have had some nuts and cheese and will probably eat one more time today. I guess that's about it. Hopefully, this hasn't been too depressing for anyone who might read it. It sure feels better to get some of this off my mind.
2/4/05 - 2 - YEARS 4 DAYS - I DID IT, I DID IT, I DID IT!!!! I finally made it out of the 130's! After all of this time, I really didn't think this would happen!!! I also had my 2 year check up today. Asked about having a bone scan done because I realized the calcium I had been taking wasn't 2000mg of ELEMENTAL calcium...which means I've only been getting like 400mg of elemental for the last two years now. Yikes! My nurse said on one hand it might be a good idea, and on the other, it might not really be necessary and told me I would have to ask my primary to order it though. I also asked about plastic surgeons and was given a few names. I stopped down on the next floor (plastics) and talked to someone about consults and fees. Sounds like I don't have enough 'problems' to even think about getting insurance to pay for it. I did find out that a tummy tuck...only...no muscle is only around $4000 - which kind of surprised me, I thought it would be a lot more. Of course, how many people go in for a tuck and come out with the works?!? The consult fee alone is $80...which is a bit of a bummer. I think I'll do some calling around and see if I can get in for a consult anywhere else cheaper...it would be nice to know what I'm looking at as far as procedures go. Well, I'm off to assemble the triple layer chocolate turtle cake I'm making (chocolate cake, chocolate glaze, caramel, and pecans X's 3) to take to a friends house for dinner...at least I have good motivation not to eat it now! But the butter roasted pecans are killing me...I've got to get them on the cake before I eat them all!
1/31/05 - 2 YEARS - I've finally done it! After all this time I've managed to kick start my weight loss again. I am now officially at my lowest weight yet. I'm only losing about a pound a week...but I'll take what I can get at this point! I still haven't started back exercising. I told myself I would today...and the day isn't over yet...so, we'll see. Food wise, things have been going too well. I had been eating all sorts of junk...and had also started drinking Coke about once a week. I could eat just about anything without major consequence...except ice cream of any kind...even sugar free. It seemed as though I had 'out eaten' my dumping...if there is such a thing. Anyway, I had gotten to the point where I was starving all of the time and wondering if there was something wrong with me. I would eat 8-10 times a day...and not always just a tiny bit. Ironically, I was still yo-yoing between 136-142. Well, about 6-8 weeks ago, I was at that 142 point...all of the junk over the holidays didn't help much...and I was getting worried because even my 'fat' pants were on the tight side. I tried to cut back a bit, and it did help some with the weight...but I was starving all of the time. Then, I had remembered reading about doing a 'protein feast' to cut carb cravings and get back on track. So, I figured I had nothing to lose and tried it. Well, it worked like a charm. Not only did my carb cravings go away, but so did my hunger! It is amazing. Now, I'm only hungry maybe 2-3 times a day - instead of ALL day and night. I also started tracking my calories and have kept in the 1000-1200 range for the most part. I am just amazed at the results. I didn't think I would ever see 134 again let alone go any lower. I am excited to think that getting into the 120's is actually a real possibility now. I also took my measurements this morning. I was almost afraid to do it, but it turned out that for the most part I had stayed the same all year...except losing 1/2" in both my waist and abdomen. How cool is that? The only down side is that over the past week or so, I have been having major tummy trouble again. It seems that any time I go on a high protein diet, my ulcer symptoms reappear. I started back on Prilosec today, hopefully that will help. I go in for my two year check up on the 4th. If things aren't doing some better by then, I'll mention it. I'm also going to ask about plastic surgery. I know I probably don't have enough skin to qualify for insurance to pay for it, but like my hubby says, "You already know the answer if you don't ask the question." So, it's worth a shot anyway. Every once in a while I will stand in front of the mirror and pull all of the skin on my stomach up tight and 'dream' of what it would be like to have a flat tummy. Sometimes I'm surprised by what I see. Like, I actually have hip bones! And it would be so nice to be able to wear all of those skimpy undies without having to make sure my 'flab' doesn't hang out anywhere...which is so hard to do right now. As far as the 'girls' go...well, of course, I would like to see them back where they belong...but somehow, I think the tummy would do more for my self image. Well, that's about all for now. I have a few pictures of myself on my 'puter now...I'll have to try to get one posted here one of these days. Thanks to everyone for all of your encouragement and support over these last two+ years!
8/6/04 - 18 MONTHS - Not much has changed. Still wanting to lose more weight....still not holding my breath. Still not exercising. Still pushing it with the carbs. Still maintaining my weight. I guess if anything has changed it would be that I can say that I think I am finally starting to see myself as smaller. Probably not how other people see me, just smaller. It's strange though because one day I can think I look pretty darn good and then the next day think I am huge. At least it is getting there. I think my tummy trouble is finally over. I did end up going to see my primary back in late May. He told me that the reason my stomach still hurt was because everything indeed wasn't okay. Basically, that if I had tested positive for H. Pylori back in November that the antibiotics probably cleared up the ulcers in my pouch and intestine but that if I was still in pain, that it was likely that I still had ulcers in my old stomach that they couldn't see. He recommended that I switch to Prilosec every day for a month, then every other day, then every third day. Of course, I didn't follow his instructions because it seemed that things were slowly getting better. So now, I haven't taken my Protonix for 6-8 weeks now and I'm feeling quite well. It's so nice to not have that stomach pain every few weeks. I was beginning to think that would never go away. Hopefully, it will be smooth sailing from here on out. I went dirt bike riding this last weekend for the first time in three years! That was quite the adventure. I had so much fun, I can hardly wait to get back out and do it again. Then, this next week, my best friend is having her surgery. I'm so excited for her. I hope and pray that all goes well. I'm also hoping that her surgery will help me get back in gear. I was talking to another friend this last week and she was telling me that even if was able to lose another 10 pounds that I probably still wouldn't be happy with my body. I know I need to get over it and just learn to like what I see. It's like I'm stuck in the 'just another 10 pound' mode and can't seemed get motivated to get going yet, can't seem to give it up either. It's like I've hated my body for so long now that I don't know how to learn to like it even when everyone else tells me how thin I am. Of course, thin isn't exactly what I would call myself but, I'm starting to realize that I'm not exactly fat either. This last year and a half has definitely been an amazing journey...one that definitely isn't over yet!
6/2/04 - 16 MONTHS - Wonders never cease...I actually made it back to update my profile! Until recently, I could never figure out why people wouldn't keep coming back and updating their profiles regularly...then one day my life finally stopped revolving around my surgery. It is the coolest thing! Not that I will ever escape some of my wls limitations, or forget that I am still an 'obese' person in a thin body but, at last, I can finally say, "I'm free". Free from the fat. Free from the scale. And free from my life revolving around WLS...which, honestly, I never thought would happen. And it's not that I didn't love hanging out here reading and responding...but, now, I've found that there is so much more life to explore both inside, and outside, my four walls that it's hard to want to spend time online. So, hopefully, I can keep up every couple of months. Well, these days it seems I can eat just about a truckload of anything! Okay, maybe not a truck load. And honestly, I haven't really taken the time to measure what I'm eating these days. I'm guessing that most of my meals are still between 1-11/2 cups...although, I don't always eat that much. I seem to be eating about 5-6 times a day...depending on the day. Over the past few months, I have also been pushing my dumping limits and have gotten to the point where I can eat a fair amount of carbs/sugar. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. It's nice to not have to bring my own meal if we are going to have dinner at a friends and they are serving something like pasta or rice. On the other hand, it is hard to turn down a late night snack of popcorn, crackers, or chips. The other thing that I've noticed is that my dumping seems to have different variables. It is always worse if I put carbs into an empty stomach. Like about a month ago, I ate my first doughnut. It was a glazed old-fashioned and I ate about 3/4 of it on the way to a meeting at church. I was surprised that I didn't out right pass out. I could hardly peel myself off of the floor. Then, I started to feel like I was going to throw up. And then, to top it all off I started having very painful gas/intestinal pain. Yet, I ate a whole Hershey bar the other day and was fine. So, who knows! But, I'm also wondering if it isn't worse at certain times of the month. And sometimes if I don't have my typical hypoglycemic symptoms, doesn't mean that I won't have severe intestinal distress...or nothing at all. It is definitely better than it was...just a bit unpredictable. Let's see, what else. Well, I fell off of the exercise wagon...and hard! It must be at least 6 weeks since I've done a thing and I don't see any real motivation in sight. I'm still pretty faithful to my protein supplements. Maybe even addicted to protein bars. I have to limit myself to just one a day! Weight wise, I'm not sure what the deal is. About a week ago I was up to 143...and getting a little nervous (I usually fluctuate between 139-142). I know it's not uncommon to gain back up to 10% of your weight...but, I was thinking that I should get back in gear and try to get back down under 135 if I could. Well, since then, I'm not really sure what happened. Life has been busy and I guess I'm just not eating quite as often...and since last week, I've dropped back down 6 pounds to 137...and I wasn't even trying! If that wasn't easy, I don't know what is. So, the question now is: Will my body keep going from here...or, will I really have to crack down and exercise to get under this weight? And is it even worth it? Ideally, I would still like to get down to maintaining between 127-130, so, another 10 pounds, but, I also don't want to have to obsess over everything I put in my mouth...so, I won't be holding my breath. Size wise, I still see myself as fat. I guess, I will always think I need to lose weight. I do think it is getting better though. The last person that I 'compared' myself to was only a size 10/12...so, it's getting there. My sister in law is about a size 6/8 and I still see myself as huge next to her...even though she just laughs at me like I must be crazy. Some how even though I see the tags in my pants...my brain just doesn't see skinny in the mirror! Oh well, maybe some day. And now that swim suit season is upon us...I can honestly say, that with all of my sagging skin (and what I call thunder thighs), I am dreading finding, and wearing, a swim suit every bit as much as when I was 274 pounds. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am...I just wish they would come up with the brain surgery to go with all of this! Well, until next time...happy losing to all!
4/5/04 - 14 MONTHS - Wow, it feels like it's been forever since I've updated. As you can see I am up into the 140's again. I keep going round and round between 137 and 142. I also keep resolving to get back down under 135 but, never seem to quite make it under 136 for any longer than a day. In some ways it has been nice to put these few pounds back on because I can pretty much eat anything I want (within my dumping limits) and not gain weight above that...for now anyway. On the other hand though, about half of my pants are tight enough that I avoid wearing them. So, the dilemma continues. I still struggle with thinking I'm fat but seem to be coming a little closer to reality. My hubby and I were watching Fear Factor last week and I kept wondering which of the six girls' figures I was closest to...and they were all brave enough to wear bikini's on national television! So, I must not think I'm all that fat! I didn't have enough nerve to ask my hubby what he thought though. I have been weight training 5 days a week now for the past 8 weeks. I am finally starting to see some nice definition in my arms and back which has been really fun. My goal is to slowly work up to being able to bench press my weight...so, hopefully I won't gain back too much! I'm a bit discouraged though, because I seem to be stuck at 70 pounds. I think this is the start of my 4th week at that weight. I know I need to shake things up a bit...I'm just not sure how. I know that plateaus happen in weight training...I'm just not sure I'm liking it anymore than a plateau in weight loss. I also went bra shopping at Victoria's Secret again. It was depressing. See, I knew that some of the bras I had bought last time were getting a bit on the big side. You know your bra is too big when....it puckers slightly when you wear something tight over it and you feel your boobies jiggle inside it when the car hits bumps in the road! Anyway, I started trying on bras and discovered that in the past few months I have shrank from a 34DD to a 34C! I wanted to cry. I kept telling my hubby that I was feeling like my hips and thighs were getting bigger now that I was weight training...and now I know why...I don't have so much up top to balance them out! I don't think I've been this small since I was in junior high...and maybe not even then. Talk about depressing! Why couldn't it work that way with my thighs instead? I'm also still on my Protonix...kind of. I haven't taken it in over a week now and haven't had any pain...which is amazing since I was down to ever third day there for a while. But, I have had heart burn more often these days. I know I need to get in to my primary...that would mean I would actually have to pick up the phone and call though! Well, I think that's about all for this month! Happy Spring!
3/2/04 - 13 MONTHS - I forgot to update on Friday...better late than never though! As you can see, I'm not really losing weight anymore. I think I'm beyond being upset and frustrated with the whole thing. I have finally resigned myself to the fact that I just may never lose any more weight. I did start exercising this last month though. For the first two weeks I was walking on my treadmill for 40 minutes and then doing weights for 30 minutes but, it just got to be too much and I was feeling like I was going to pass out all of the time. So, for week 3 and 4, I just did weights. I am alternating upper and lower body Monday through Friday and then taking the weekends off. So far, it has been good. I can feel (and see) myself getting stronger. I've also been playing around with taking, or should I say NOT taking, my Protonix. The longest I've gone so far has been 11 days. Then, I had to back track and take it after only like 4 days again. I don't know what's up with that! I just get so frustrated because I am SOOOOO hungry for 3-4 days after taking it. So, I have to choose between pain, or my stomach trying to eat me from the inside out! I was hoping that maybe I could stretch from 11 days to 14-15 days, but no such luck. I figure if I can't go off of it by the time the prescription runs out, I'll go back in and bug my doctor. I've also been contemplating looking in to 'reconstructive surgery'. I know I would feel so much better about myself if I could get rid of my flabby stomach and get my breasts off of the floor...I'm just not sure where to turn. I did ask my doctor and nurse about it and they both said that it is hard to get covered and that they don't like to give out any referrals until your weight has stabilized. Well, I think I'm finally stabilized! My eating has been terrible lately. I no longer count calories or carbs. I just get in a protein drink or two (or bar) and eat what ever I feel like. Which is kind of nice, in all reality. Of course, I still dump so that keeps me pretty accountable - whether I want to be or not. I'm still thinking I should crack back down and see if I can shed a few more pounds. I even printed off the plateau buster from digitialhorsewoman as a reminder that anything is possible. But, like I said before, I'm starting to think it would be okay to stay where I'm at. Hopefully, my mind will continue to catch up and in the end I will find out how truly blessed I am to have made it this far!
1/31/04 - WEEKS 51 & 52 - Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me-eeeee, happy birthday to me - in more ways than one! Well, technically, it isn't my actual birthday until tomorrow...but, close enough. It's hard to believe that it's already been a year. In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday that I was starting off on this WLS journey. Yet, the time has just flown by, and part of me is sad to be moving from the weight loss phase of this journey into maintenance. Over this past year I’ve lost exactly ½ of myself...yet, gained so much along the way. One year ago I could hardly bend over to tie my shoes, let alone run in those very shoes. I couldn’t sit on the floor and play games with my kids without my back hurting...heck - I could hardly get myself back up off of the floor! I couldn’t fit the seatbelt in our van around me with my jacket on. I loved shopping yet, hated spending money on cheap elastic waist clothing. And, I loved the instant gratification of ice cream more than just about anything. But, now all of those things just seem like distant memories. My life has changed; I have changed, in so many ways over this past year that it’s almost hard to put into words. I’ve gone from junk food junkie, to health food nut. I’ve gone from thinking I’m not worth spending $15 on a pair of cheap Wal-Mart pants, to trying to figure out where I’m going to put the 25 pair of pants I’ve just bought! I’ve gone from thinking that mowing the lawn was exercise and raking the leaves and shoveling snow were torture, to trying to beat my husband to the shoveling before he can get around to using the snow blower...just because I can! My outlook on life is just so different. Not that I wasn’t happy before I lost all of the weight...it’s just that I didn’t realize how often I hid behind the excuse of my weight. I would make excuses as to why I didn’t want to, or couldn’t, do things…and most of them had to do with my weight more than anything else. Now, I just feel...well..free. Free to do the things I always wanted to do. Free to try new things. Free to live my life - free of the self-consciousness that comes from being overweight. Now, on the flip side of things, I must say that, to me, these last few months have been the hardest part of the journey. Part of me is sad to have had the weight loss come to a screeching halt. I knew that it would come to an end sooner or later but, somehow, I’m just having a hard time accepting the reality of it. And even though I’m free of the weight, I am still bound by the fear of regaining the weight, which in all reality, is probably a good thing. Now it’s almost scary to have to seriously take a look at where I’m at now and start setting some goals for the coming year, wondering if I’ll be able to keep on track. I can now eat about 1 cup of food at a time and eat 3-4 ‘meals’ a day…and have been really bad about keeping the carbs to a minimum. I’m guessing my calorie intake is around 1200 calories a day these days. I still drink 100+ ounces of clear, caffeine free, liquid a day though! My exercise, on the other hand, is practically non-existent. Sad, I know. As far as this next year goes, I think if there is any one thing I would like to work on, it would be getting back into a regular exercise routine...which, is easier said than done! I would also like to keep up with my liquid intake. Then, there is still that last 10-13 pounds that I‘d like to work on losing - but I’m not holding my breath on that one! I guess my focus now will just be on maintaining where I’m at...so I don’t outgrow those 25 pair of pants! All in all, it has been a good year and given the chance I would do it all over again!
1/16/04 - WEEK 50 - Just when I had resigned myself to thinking that I just may never lose any more weight...poof...there it goes! Actually, I think I haven't been losing because I have been eating too much. I know I've heard people say that the less you weigh, the less you will need to eat to maintain. Well, since my ulcer, I had upped the carbs some and had noticed that I could eat a lot more. So, I'm thinking that between the two I had found my maintenance point. Anyway, this week our church had a voluntary day of prayer and fasting for an upcoming event we are having, and I thought I might as well give it a try. So, to make a long story even longer, I woke up the next morning and had lost 2 pounds. The next day I decided that not eating for a day really wasn't too bad...but maybe a bit extreme. So, yesterday, I cut back my food intake to about 1/2 of what it had been and lo and behold...I lose another pound. The funny thing is that I didn't even really miss the extra food. I just figured that even though I was hungry many times a day, that didn't necessarily mean I needed to eat every one of those times! In the end, it just meant not running to the kitchen every time my stomach growled but waiting until I was really starving to eat. So, I think I'm going to stick with this for another week, or so, and see how it goes. My other discovery for the week was pilates. On Tuesday night I went to the intermediate class I had signed up for and the instructor looked at me and the girl next to me (who had also never taken any sort of pilates) like we were crazy or something! Well, it turns out that it was a perfect match. I was able to do all but one thing...the 12th push up! There were ladies in there that had taken pilates before that couldn't do half of the things! I was so excited. I could hardly believe the things I was able to do...easily even. And how cool is that to realize that you now have more muscle strength and control that the average person! I was quite pleased with myself. Of course, I paid for it the next day! Apparently, pilates works muscles that you just can't get to with a weight machine! Of course, some of my soreness may have also been caused by the time I spent playing with the new balance ball I bought last week. Of course, I didn't get it blown up (or play with it) until a few hours before my class. So, I'll have to do them separately and see what the deal is. I also went shopping at the thrift store again. Didn't find too much this time...enough to get me by for a while, I guess. It's been hard to not want to buy every pair of pants I see these days but, I just can't justify spending the money until I know that my weight has stabilized. Part of me wishes it would hurry up and get here...the other part of me wants to keep losing a bit more. I know I have now passed my "goal" by one pound...but, part of me would like to still see 130 (which is feeling more realistic today than it was last week)...or even the 120's. So, for now, I figure I might as well keep going, knowing that it could come to and end any time now. I did ask my surgeon about it when I was in a few weeks ago and he said that they don't really 'worry' too much unless you go below a BMI of 19...so, I figure that unless I start to go below that (which would put me at 121 pounds) I won't back off too much. I do also want to keep in mind what he said about the possibility of gaining back up to 10% of the weight I've lost...how scary is that? Even if I did get down to 124 (-150 pounds)...I could still theoretically bounce back up to 138...which, I could live with. But, stopping now and gaining back to 147...no thanks! Like with so many other things in this journey...I guess only time will tell....but, at least that doesn't mean I just have to sit and watch it go by!
1/9/04 - WEEK 49 - Okay, it seems there is a common theme these last three weeks. I just can't seem to get past 137! I know I should be happy to be here...and I am....I'm just not quite ready to have the scale stop moving yet. AHHHHHH! I went back to the doctor this week...and I guess, for now, I'm going to stay on the Protonix until the end of the month, then try to go off it again and see how it goes. Hopefully, I can get back off of it all together. What else....well, I think I've cleaned out anything of interest to me in at least 3 of the Victoria's secret stores this week! They are having their semi-annual clearance sale, so I'm stocking up. I can't begin to tell you how nice it is to wear underwear that aren't like 5 sizes too big - and that actually match my bras. How cool is that!?! Now, I think I need to work on the pants a bit. Even though I have only lost 6 pounds in the last 7 weeks (wow, I hadn't realized that until just now when I looked at my chart...how depressing does that sound...anyway) I have still been losing inches and most of my size 8/10 pants now qualify as hip huggers and some can even be pulled off without unbuttoning them. So, I think I am going to take a trip to the thrift store again this week and see if I can re-stock my pant selection. Part of me is hesitant though, thinking I can still lose that last 7-10 pounds which, would probably cause me to drop one more size...but, I also want to be realistic here...and not have to walk around and hike up my pants all day! I am also going to sign up for an advanced pilates class that is starting this next week. They had a beginner class, but the advanced class coincided with my kids swimming lessons...so, wish me luck...I think I'm going to need it! I'm also still toying with the idea of taking up running. I think I'm just hung up on the mental aspect of it. I mean, it just sounds so hard...and painful, did I mention painful? Yet, I know I would probably be just fine if I would just get my butt out there and do it. Of course, that would mean I would have to find some sort of motivation...and I just don't have any these days. I've struggled with seasonal depression in the past, and it's not letting me off easy this year. I have so much to be thankful for...I just can't get the fog out of my brain long enough to see it most days about now! Is it spring yet? My hubby bought me some tanning sessions for Christmas...so I'm hoping that between the sun nap and the additional exercise maybe I can drag myself out of my slump...and being tanner and thinner never hurt anything either!
1/2/04 - WEEKS 47 & 48 - Here we go again. It seems that I've gotten to the 'merry go round' phase of my journey! I was down 1 pound last week...then back up three this week until today when I dropped right back to where I started! I try not to let it get to me too much...but, it's still frustrating! Of course, I'm sure it didn't help that over the week of Christmas I hardly even looked at a protein source, let alone ate one! But, this week I've gone back to the basics: protein, water, and exercise. I'm not sure I think it's helping in a hurry...but, I figure it can't hurt to try. I still think I would like to get down to 130. I'm starting to think that might be a bit unrealistic...but, I guess that's why they call it a goal! Okay, enough complaining. On the up side, I did some shopping right before Christmas and bought myself a skirt and a pair of pants...both size 4! I honestly didn't think they were going to fit and was kind of amazed when the skirt did...being that it looked so small. I also was finally brave enough to wear a 'form fitting' outfit for Christmas. I found these pants that are stretchy. The funny thing is that when I take them off, they look like they belong to my kids. Anyway, I wore them and this V neck silk sweater and had friends and family just staring at me...it was kind of fun and freaky at the same time. One female cousin even said, "Don't mind me, I'm just going to stare at you all night and try to figure out who you are"! So that has been sort of fun. I've also decided it's time to have a 'tent sale'. Well, not literally a sale...but, it's time to get rid of the tents! See, I've still been wearing the same old underwear since I was pre-op thinking that I would wait until I was done losing weight to buy more. Well, recently I've discovered that that just isn't going to happen. So, lets play a little guessing game....You know your underwear are too big when: A) They just about fall off unless you hold them up. B) You can't wear them without rolling them down into your pants, then they still stick out the top a few hours later. C) When you pull them up they can be tucked in under your bra. D) All of the above! So, then I hold up one of those suckers and think, "Wow, those would make great parachutes for my kids dolls"! Or, just add frame work and you have an instant Barbie tent with skylights! It was almost frightening! Seriously though, that is one thing that I do think would be kind of fun to burn. Then, my hubby, being the generous man he is, thought he would help me out with restocking my underwear drawer. So, for Christmas, what do I get but a black, lace, thong from Victoria's Secret that is held together in the back with a sting of multi-colored rhinestones! I'm not sure who he was really helping there! Isn't that a little extreme in the opposite direction? I have to admit, I was surprised. He also bought me something more 'covering'...a robe. I think between the two of us we will have bought out half of the store by the end of this year! At least I won't have to be 'tenting it' any more!
12/19/03 WEEK 46 - MERRY CHRISTMAS - This has been a really good week....finally! As you can see my biggest, and best, news is that I've now officially lost myself! When I started this whole process I thought that it would be amazing to get this far...but never really thought I would make it. It's just so hard to wrap my mind around losing a whole person. Like, where did I go? Anyway, I am quite excited to be where I am at. BUT, (you know there is always a 'but') on the other hand, I am also struggling with this amazing weight loss not being 'enough'. Back at week 38, I was thinking that I wanted to have my goal weight be 135 but, (there's that darn 'but' again) now that I'm at 137 I'm kind of thinking that maybe 130 would be nice. It's kind of like no matter how much I lose, I still think I'm FAT and that if I lost another 10 pounds maybe it would make all the difference in the world. I know it sounds silly...and in all reality is....I just can't seem to see myself as truly 'thin'...or good enough to want to stop losing more weight. Like this week at church I was talking with a woman who said to me, "You are so tiny!" I looked at her and said that I just wished that I had a cute little figure like she did...and she almost laughed. Come to find out that she is bigger than me! Sometimes, I think there must be something wrong with me...and other times I think people are just trying to be nice to me. Anyway, now that I'm so close to my goal, I think I'm going to push it down another five pounds to 130 and see how that works for me. I am also happy to report that I had my follow up EGD this week and the doctor said that everything looked 100% normal - and that she couldn't even tell where the ulcers had been! That is so what I've been hoping and praying for. It is so nice to finally be done with all of this. Now, onto the boring stuff. I realized, after my last update, that I haven't really said much about protein, food, water, or exercise lately....mostly because I have been so focused on how icky I've felt. Anyway, since having my ulcer (and running out of my chocolate protein powder) I have only been drinking one protein drink a day. I keep telling myself that I should get back to 2...but it's just so hard to want to drink those Nectar drinks when your already freezing your butt off. I keep meaning to try the apple warmed up with some cinnamon...but, it kind of sounds gross so, I never actually do it. As far as water goes...I've been really bad at that for the last month. I don't think I ever get in more than 30-40 ounces these days. I keep trying to push myself but, by the end of the day I don't seem to have made much progress. Now food on the other hand...I seem to be making plenty of progress there! It seems like since being sick a few weeks ago, that I can eat like a horse! Before my ulcer, I was comfortable at about 1/3 cup and stuffed at 1/2 cup. Now, all of the sudden, it seems like I can eat more like 1/2 to 3/4 of a cup at a time! It's almost scary. Then, there is the whole issue of food choices. Can you say, "Carb addict"! I don't know what it is lately but, I seem to just be craving carbohydrates....popcorn, chips, bread, and especially crackers. I even ate 1/2 of a ginger snap last Sunday! It's like all of the sudden after almost 11 months I've developed a sever case of head hunger! I keep telling myself the same old, "I'll start over tomorrow" line...but, I never seem to make it to that 'tomorrow'. The odd thing is that in spite of all of the carbs I have eaten this week (and the last few weeks), I still lost weight! How confusing is that? I think I've finally decided to give up on the 'tomorrow' thing until after the first of the year. I'm just afraid that my 'window' is closing and that if I wait too long I may never lose those last 5-10 pounds. Of course, exercise, if I ever get around to it again, would help too. Right now, I'm just glad it keeps snowing...at least I get a good work out in once a week shoveling the driveway! Have a blessed Christmas...and don't eat too many cookies! N.D. - tell Mari that we tried to come back to see her the other night but, she was gone by the time we checked out - and that we're sorry we missed her.
12/12/03 - WEEK 45 - P L A T E A U - I think, I'd thought I'd been on plateaus before...I guess I was wrong. See last Friday, I think it was just a fluke that the scale said 141 and not 142. It's the strangest thing. Before I went into the hospital I was 145...okay, no problem. Then slowly but surely I got down to 139...which was way cool. Then within 1-2 days, I bounced back up to 142. So, technically I've been at 142 (minus the drop to 141 last Friday) for 3 weeks now. At first it wasn't bothering me because I just didn't feel good enough to really care, and I figured that it would 'work itself out' in a week or two. But now, I'm getting a little frustrated. And now I see just why people get so darn frustrated. You would think that not eating much and having everything go right through you for a week would help you lose weight...but no. Then, you think I'll up my protien and start exercising again...but does that help? No. So, then you think 'okay, what they heck...I'll just eat what ever I want, whenever I want'....and you guessed it...the scale still hasn't budged! So, what's a girl to do? I know I should really crack back down again...it just gets to be so hard when you've wandered for so many weeks. I would still like to get down those last 7-12 pounds....and I really think it will happen....I just wish it would hurry up! Let's see...what else? Oh, I finally figured out that my being sick the last week must have been a stomach bug or something, because my kids all complained of stomach aches, several days apart, all week. One even barfed all over the inside of our van! Oh, the joys of parenting! The nice thing is that it forced us to finally get the interior cleaned! And last, but not least...my 'amazing discoveries' for the week have been snow shoveling and fur coats. See, hubby had to leave early for work on Wednesday morning and the driveway had about 4-5 inches of snow on it - and, so, I decided that I would be 'nice' and shovel so he didn't have to drag out the snow blower when he got home...before we were to leave for a concert. Anyway, did you know that it is MUCH harder to push a shovel around when you weigh 140 pounds than it is at 275 pounds? Who knew? I just couldn't believe how little snow I could move across the driveway without it stopping me dead in my tracks! At least my back and my arms got a good work out in! The other thing I discovered this week is that fur is actually warm! I know someone must be laughing at me about now. Anyway, I have a jacket that was my hubby's grandma's - and being that I haven't decided to keep the long coat that I bought, I figured I would wear the fur jacket so I didn't freeze in my little nylon fall jacket. Well, lo and behold, it was so warm! I could hardly get over it. It was like 4 degrees when we got home last night and my whole upper body was warm! And when I took it off in the dressing room while trying things on...it stayed warm the whole time until I got dressed again! Who knew?...apparently the friend of mine who suggested that my hubby get me a fur coat for Christmas! Smile! I keep pointing them out in the Bloomies ad...but I don't think he's falling for it!
12/5/03 - WEEKS 43 & 44 - Wow! Has the time just flown by. Since my last update I had been doing quite well until this last Sunday. I ate some leftover turkey for dinner and ended up feeling sick to my stomach about 15 minutes later, then I spent the next hour dry heaving...only wishing I would actually throw up. It was not fun. I even tried drinking a bunch of water to try to help things along and all that did was cause agonizing pain. Monday wasn't much better, every time I ate even a bite or two of something I felt like I was going to barf all over again. By Tuesday morning I was so wiped out and felt like I was going to pass out every time I stood up. I called the nurse and she said it sounded like maybe I had irritated my pouch or had a stomach bug. So, I've been taking it easy all week. By Wednesday, I was feeling some better when I ate but had the 'other end' start back up full force again. Let's just say this hasn't been a fun week. It seems every time I eat or drink now, it sets off a chain reaction and everything empties out the other end! The worsworst thing about it is that I have actually gained some weight this past week! You would think that the opposite would be true. Last Saturday I was down to 139...I was so excited! But, over the course of the week, it has crept back up to 141. Oh well! I guess I'd rather get back to feeling good than lose weight right now...at least most of me thinks so. The highlight of the last few weeks for me was our day after Thanksgiving shopping trips. Last Saturday we stopped at the Albertville outlets and did some shopping on the way to the hubby's folks (for our 2nd Thanksgiving). Anyway, the idea was to get most of our Christmas shopping out of the way...the problem was that all I could do is find things I wanted! To make a long story even longer....I discovered that I LOVE Banana Republic! Oh my goodness...I could take home one of everything from that store! Well, being the cheap skate that I am went clearance rack surfing and found a wonderful pair of red wool pants that I just fell in love with for $10! The problem was that all they had left was either a size 10 or a 4. Well, you guessed it....I came home with my very first size 4 pants! Who knew I was that small under all of that flab?? They were a bit tight in the tummy and back side but, I figure that losing my last 5-10 pounds should more than take care of that. I also bought two amazing sweaters (one silk and one wool) that I would have never spent the money on when I was heavier. All in all, being thinner has been so amazing. I guess I just never knew what I was missing. And even with all of the tummy troubles over this past month, I would still do it again in a blink of an eye. Even though I was skeptical in the beginning, all of the posts I read were right....nothing tastes as good as being thin feels! And yes, my brain is finally starting to catch up. I still don't think I'm "skinny"...like I hear so much of lately but, I am starting to think that I look pretty good...with clothes on anyway!
11/21/03 - WEEKS 41 & 42 - Oh, where to start! On Friday the 7th, in the afternoon, I started having some problems. Every time I would take a drink, I would have to burp, which was then followed by pain in my rib cage/diaphragm area. By Friday night, I'm thinking I must have the world's worst case of gas. Unfortunately, Gas-X didn't help one bit. Come Saturday morning I still didn't feel better but, you know how it goes....you think to yourself....no one will be around on the weekend anyway so it's not like calling will do any good. Well, by Sunday things had gotten even worse, but, again, what do you do? So, I waited until Monday morning and called my surgeon - who was off that day! Well, by that afternoon the nurse gets back to me and says that Dr. Jones wants me to come in first thing in the morning for a cat scan, he thinks that from my symptoms that I might have a partial blockage. Yikes! That was NOT what I had in mind. Well, needless to say, I didn't get the barium down. Like I was going to get down 24 ounces in three hours when I had only gotten down 10 ounces of water the whole day before! To make a long story short, the cat scan looked fine, but I still ended up being admitted to the hospital on Tuesday night. I was dehydrated at that point and they needed to figure out what was going on. I had an ultra sound that same night that also came back looking good. At that point I was told that I would remain on nothing by mouth until morning when they would set up an endoscopy. Wednesday morning they tell me that I will indeed be scoped....they just don't know when. Well, when they finally did come and get me, I'm told that they want to look past my pouch and that they may have to dilate me if need be. I was NOT thrilled! Well, the scoping went fine and they didn't have to dilate me, but they did do a biopsy...I just wish they would tell you that they essentially put you to sleep before they start! Well, it turns out that I have what they consider a serious ulcer just outside my pouch and another one starting on the scar tissue between the pouch and the intestine. After I got back to my room, the nurse inadvertently brings me a liquid diet meal and I proceed to start on the chicken broth. About the time I am done my surgeon comes in and says that he didn't intend for me to have that. Ooops! Apparently they were concerned that my ulcer would perforate! Yikes. The funny, or should I say miserable, thing was that even though I was on morphine and percocett at the same time, the soup left me in enough pain that I didn't care if I ever ate again! By the time all was said and done, I spent 4 days in the hospital and came home on way too many pills. On top of it all I gained almost 7 pounds in water weight! So, this last week has been a little frustrating. I am home, but feel tired, run down, or light headed, most of the time. In addition to all of the medication that I am on, they have me taking two extra multi-vites, 25,000iu of vitamin A, and a double dose of iron. The funny thing was that my iron levels were just fine three months ago. They are not sure if it is from the ulcer bleeding or not, but I still need to do something about it. In addition to all of that, it seems that the meds they have me on cause everything to 'run' right through, which is a real treat. On the up side though, I am finally dropping some of that water weight so, I guess I can't complain about it too much. These last two weeks leave me only 8 pounds from my goal of 135 and at this rate I should be there in no time at all.
11/7/03 - WEEK 40 - Good morning! Emphasis on the good! Well, I did it! I actually got myself to exercise every day this week. Over the last few weeks I have been quite frustrated (discouraged even) and wondering if I would ever lose these last several pounds. So, on Saturday, I spent an hour reading through the '9 month' postings in the library. Oh, how I love this board! What I discovered is that most people do really slow down by the nine month point and that I had some choices to make. I also realized that my 'window' is slowly starting to close and that utilizing these next few months is critical to my getting the rest of this weight off. Now, the hard part! I decided that I still had time, and that I still had some say in how all of this was going to play out...so, I took a look at my eating and exercise (or lack thereof) and set a plan for this week. For exercise, I decided that I was going to try weight training every day this week, alternating between upper and lower body and focusing more on one certain 'part' each time. Then, food wise, I decided to go to four protein drinks a day (drastic times call for drastic measures) and limit my carbs as much as humanly possible. For the week, I averaged between 2-4 meals a day, consuming between 750-1000 calories a day with my carb intake staining below 20grams (which I really didn't think was humanly possible!). And, of course, I upped my water to just over a gallon a day. And, almost to my surprise, it paid off! On Sunday morning I weighed in at 154 (which was up two pounds from Friday) and this morning I am down to 148! I can hardly get over it. I also think I've noticed that my waist is slimming more (I hadn't lost any inches last month). The jeans that I have been wearing since the beginning of September had suddenly become hip huggers! So, I very hesitantly bought a new pair of size 8's at Sam's Club, on Tuesday, (asking my husband if he really thought they would fit being that when I held them up it didn't seem like the waist went from side to side). Well, when I got home and tried them on I was amazed that they were actually too big! That was such a shock! I'm almost afraid to try the size 6...I just can't get that to quite work in my mind quite yet. It's like I'm scared it won't really fit or something. Strange, I know. On the plus side though, I am starting to see myself as being a fairly 'average' size these days. Like when we go somewhere, I don't still think I'm the fattest one in the room. Granted, I don't see myself as thin yet, but I'm starting to think that as I get closer to my goal, I just might see that perspective, some day, too.
10/31/03 - WEEK 39 - I think I'm finally back on track. I know I should hold my breath when I say that....shouldn't I?!...especially being that I had been down to 151 earlier in the week. Hmmm...well, at this point I can't complain though...I'm just happy the scale is moving at all! All in all, even though I wouldn't have said so during any given week up until now, it hasn't been a bad month - and I did still manage to lose 5 pounds. It's just hard to get used to the idea that this is how things are going to go from here on out. Of course, even at five pounds a month, that should still put me to my 'goal' of 135 by my one year anniversary. I know, I know...the math doesn't add up....I'm just hoping for two extra 'grace points' along the way! I also took my monthly measurements this morning and I am down another 7 inches. This is the first month that I haven't lost anything in my waist or chest (under the girls). I'm still hoping to squeak off another inch or two...but who knows. The nice thing is that what I didn't lose there, I made up for in my thighs! I lost 1 inch on one side and 11/2 inches on the other! But the best part of all, is that this morning while I was taking my measurements, I realized that I really don't look all that bad. I mean, I actually have a long, curvy shape! How cool is that! Granted it's all a bit on the saggy side, but I was still impressed. I also discovered that if I stand with my feet together and lock my knees that my legs just barely touch eachother at one spot on my thighs! How strange is that?! I don't remember EVER being able to do that! So, I guess that after all of the complaining I've done this month, I didn't really have so much to complain about after all! Hopefully, I'll learn something from this....I won't be holding my breath on that one though....or else I might pass out!
10/24/03 - WEEKS 37 & 38 - Well, as you can see, I did manage to lose some weight these last few weeks. In some ways it has felt good, yet in other ways I am still disappointed. I was explaining to a friend that somehow even though I've lost so much, and have so much to be thankful for, it still just doesn't seem like enough. I know that must sound a bit crazy, but it's how I feel. Of course, I guess I would adjust...and be perfectly happy even, if I did level off and maintain this weight. I just can't help but want more. I think I just got so used to losing and shrinking that it's hard to think it may be over. Of course, I am closing in on the weight I was for a year, or so, in high school and anything beyond that puts me back to junior high and elementary school...so, I guess I don't have much to complain about...now do I! It's just so different this time. Last time I got to 150, I was wearing a bikini...and looking good, I must say. And now, I can hardly bear the thought of shorts! I know it was a bit foolish to expect that body back, and I didn't really. Some how, I just thought it would be a little better than this. Well, enough about that. I, perhaps foolishly, have stepped away from exercising again. Although, I did spend 51/2 hours on my hands and knees on Sunday...and payed for it for days! I never knew I had those kinds of muscles in my legs! We also decided to bring our kids back home and start homeschooing again. It was a good choice and I was relieved the moment we made it. So far, we don't have too much going on....but, it does make it a lot harder to get down to the basement and exercise. I know, excuses, excuses. I keep telling myself I'll get serious one of these days...now if I would just listen! Food wise, I have cut back my eating this last week. Someone had posted an answer to a question saying something about the less you weigh the less you must eat to maintain that weight. So, I got to thinking that maybe if I cut back my calories a bit, I would lose weight. And so far, it has worked. I think I must be taking in around 600-800 calories a day vs. 800-1000. I think I'll give it another week and see how it goes. So far, so good though. The nice thing is that it hasn't been at all 'painful' to cut back. I had been under the impression that I should be pushing to eat a bit more and had begun eating until I was 'full' at every meal. Now, I just take out my rough 1/3 cup of what ever and eat it, and am done. Then, for dinner (usually) I eat more like 1/2 cup...or till I'm full. The question is will it really work, or is the loss just coincidental? I guess only time will tell. I'm still wondering where a good 'goal' weight would be. I'm kind of thinking 135...but wonder if that is realistic. I'm wanting to set one hoping that - a) I will be more willing to work to make it there, and b) that I can finally 'rest' knowing I've made it to my 'goal'. It's kind of like then I could tell myself it's okay to not lose any more weight...if that makes any sense. I don't go in for my 9 month check up for another months (10 months)...maybe they can help me have some realistic perspective then.
10/10/03 - WEEK 36 - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! Can you say F R U S T R A T E D ? Can I cry now? So, I decide that I need to get my butt moving again and really work on exercising every day this week and what thanks do I get? I gain two (working on three) pounds! The funny thing is that I purposly haven't done any weight training thinking that just the cardio would be good for burning some calories and not adding muscle. I guess not. I've also upped my water to 90-100 ouunces a day and my protein is around 80-90 grams a day. So whats the deal? The other factor that has me thrown for a loop is that I am back in moderate ketosis again...which, you would think would be helping. I know I had mentioned last week that I wondered if I wasn't eating enough when I exercised to not have my body think I was starving to death so, I decided to just eat my way through the week to see if upping my calories would help...guess what? It didn't! I also wrote down everything I ate on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and my whopping all time high during those three days was 1000 calories even! And that was on a day when I felt 'bingey'...if there is such a word. Then, yesterday, I went out and bought some soy ribs that I haven't had in months and cooked up a whole riblet and thought I would see how much of it I could eat. Out of a 5 ounce riblet I was able to get down all but about 2-3 tablespoons before I was full. So, now the question is what to do? Do I push myself to eat more and more often? Which, I hate to do because I spent most of my 1000 calorie day full and icky feeling. Do I skip the exercise all together? What? And no, I am not losing inches either...just in case you were wondering! Okay, enough complaining. Anyway, I had my surgery yesterday and all went well, for the most part. I ended up almost passing out about half way through...I guess they don't much like your pulse dropping to 40 and your blood pressure bottoming out....so, they had to stick me multiple times to try to start an I.V., which was not fun. By the time they got the I.V. in, they had inflicted so much pain that I had come back around nicely. The Dr. showed me the mass that they removed and it was much bigger than I had thought. I'm guessing it was 1-1/2 to 2 inches long by 1 inch wide. He did say that it looked like a pretty normal non-cancerous growth but that I will get the results back next week for sure. The nice thing is that I have had very minimal pain and have only had to take 1 Tylenol three different times now. So, all in all it really has gone well. Thanks to those of you who prayed for me. Next time I have something like this I'll have to be more specific and request that people pray that I don't pass out!
10/3/03 - WEEK 35 - I guess I don't really have much to say this week. I've really upped my protien this week...mostly because I discovered that I could drink it warm like hot chocolate...yum! I'm still wrestling with the reality of losing more weight. It seems I bounce back and forth between thinking "I'm never going to get there" to thinking "what if I get there?" I am now 10 pounds away from my 'ideal' weight of 147 (according to the weight loss planner). I don't think I will be done there though. I don't know....I just can't wrap my mind around these next couple of months. It's almost as if I don't know what to expect....I'm clueless and goal-less. I know my primary said I would probably get down to 130 by a year out, but I just can't even begin to fathom what that would be like. I still look and the mirror and see fat. I tried on a size 6 Calvin Klien wool suit yesterday, at a thrift store, that was amazing (not to mention that it was only $30)...IF only it fit better. I mean, I could get the pants on and zipped (but they were quite tight) but, the jacket didn't fit accross my breasts. So, I didn't buy it. Then, I told my hubby about it and he wants to go see it. Part of me thinks well, if I lose almost 30 more pounds, then it should fit....right? But, I just can't imagine that really happening! AAAAAAAH!!! The mind games I have going on these days. I almost wish I had a specific 'goal' to work toward but, even then, I'm afraid to actually set one. Not to mention, I don't even know how I would determine where to set it. Anyway, all in all, I am happy and feeling better in general and would definetly say I would do it again in a heart beat. Although, I did notice that I am starting to have some upper back pain over the last few weeks that just isn't going away. I told my hubby I should go to the doctor to get it doccumented at the chance that I could get a breast lift out of the deal! At the same time, I feel bad about doing that. I also took my monthly measurements and was down another 12.75" for a total of 104.75" all together...thats like working on 9 feet! I have now lost 14" in my waist alone and, at this point, continue to lose about 1-2" a month just about everywhere. The 'parts' that are starting to concern me though are my abs and thighs/butt. I looked in the mirror the other day and couldn't believe what I saw. There are tiny ripples of sagging skin all on my thighs (front and back) and my stomach is starting to 'drape' together in the middle. It is truly frightning. I know we can't afford the platics and I don't think I will qualify based on 'necessity'. I'll have to do some asking at my 9 month check up. Well, for not having much to say, I sure said a lot. Thanks for listening! I would also appreciate prayers this week for an easy surgery (removing the lump from my breast with a 'local' only) and a good report from pathologist!
9/26/03 - WEEK 34 - It's official! Today is the first day of my entire adult life...and many of my teen years...that I have not been overweight. This morning I am just squeeking by at 159.2 - which is good enough for me! I have to admit that it does feel pretty good. I still stuggle with thinking I'm fat and still have all of this weight to lose but, it does seem to be getting better. I think I'm starting to see myself as a 'smaller fat'...if there is such a thing! This week has been okay. I reminded myself yesterday that I can't just 'wolf something down'...which hasn't happened in a LONG time. I ate some soy chips and only wished they would come back up. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm kind of glad it happened. It was nice to be reminded that I still have a very effective tool in place, and that I've learned to live/eat within the limits of that tool most of the time. I didn't exercise again this week. See, what did I say last week....I exercise and lose hardly anything....I slack off and the pounds just melt off. The only thing I can think is that maybe I just can't get enough food in when I exercise for my body not to freak out and think I'm starving to death? Who knows. I've been trying to push my water intake up again. It seems that now that I'm gone a lot of the day, at the kids school, that I struggle to make my 80 ounces. I don't think I usually get under 60, but I figure that if I keep letting myself off the hook, then before I know it, I'll find that 60 is my new upper end. What else...well, the stomach pains that I was having last week finally went away. I'm still not sure what the deal was. It seems that I have some sort of quirky something with my stomach when I eat every month to six weeks. At least it passes though. I also went shopping again this week. Bought myself several sweaters. Took hubby with me...and it was a good thing. I think I still need to be reminded that a L or XL is just too big. Even though I see it in the mirror, some how it just seems so 'comfortable', and easy, to hide behind. I also exchanged my size M fall jacket for a small...yes a small...doesn't that sound so strange? I mean, I see all of these other women that are so much smaller than I am...and wonder if they must have to shop in the kids department or what? I also got the picutres back from getting my school ID this week. That was quite the reality check. I almost wish they did a full body shot! I remember a few weeks back, I 'saw myself' while getting my hair cut. Well, when I got the pictures back I saw that same person again. The funny thing is that I can't decide if I look older from all of the new wrinkles by my cheeks and eyes or if I look younger because my face is so thin. We did go back to our old church this last weekend and the pastor and his wife haven't seen me since maybe February or March and they said that they thought my husband had backslidden and got a new wife! That was kind of fun. All in all, it has been a good journey. And while I know that it will never truly end, I'm kind of sad to see things slowing down. I know that in all reality I would be happy even if I never lost another pound...I mean who wouldn't be happy in a size 8/10? Yet, part of me is obsessed with the 'just another few pounds' mentality and I can't help but think I would be "happier if" I lost X amount more pounds. I know I need to come to terms with this...and soon. I just hope I can get past the fat mentality that I have. I know they say it takes time for the brain to catch up...I just hope it's sooner than later!
9/19/03 - WEEK 33 - Frustrated! That about sums up how I feel today. First of all, I got back to exercising this week and instead of losing weight I have actually maintained my weight most of the week. I console myslef by remembering that at least I dropped one pound. I just don't get it. I work my butt off, and for what? Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Who knows, maybe I would have only lost one pound even if I didn't exercise. Then, yesterday, I started having stomach pains and gas. It all started yesterday morning when I went to drink my water. I took a few gulps and had pain almost like I had air trapped in my pouch or something. Then, it continued throughout the day any time I would eat or drink. On top of it, I seem to have some sort of gassy thing going on...even though I don't know that I ate anything out of the ordinary that would have caused it. This morning the gas seems to be better, but I still had the stomach pains when I drank my water and protien. On top of it all, I have just been starving these last two days. It seems that unless I'm full, I'm actually stomach growling hungry! Go figure. Let's just say the last few days have been frustrating. On the up side though, I went shopping at a thrift store with a friend on Saturday and tried on 20-30 different things. By the time all was said and done, I ended up with 4 pairs of pants, 2 skirts, 2 blazers/jackets and one dress...all size 8 or 10! How cool is that? I could hardly believe it. I think I had myself convinced that I was a size 12 and couldn't dare to imagine I could possibly be smaller than that. So, that was fun. It's hard to think that if I lose another 15 pounds that I could end up in a size 6! Who knew? The funny thing is that when I was 16 and weighed 150 pounds I was only in a size 10. Ahhhh the 'magic' of the clothing industry! It is kind of nice seeing single digit numbers though...even if it is slightly delusional!
9/12/03 - WEEK 32 - I finally 'saw myself' this week! Just yesterday, I went to a new place to get my hair done and as I was sitting there, I kept looking in the mirror and realizing just how thin my face is getting! It's strange though, because when I looked in the mirror at home, I couldn't see it anymore. Anyway, it was kind of neat and frightening all at the same time. It seems that I'm starting to look a bit more wrinkled than I'd thought. Hopefully, some of the skin on my face will tighten back up. I still haven't gotten back to exercising this week. I keep telling myself 'next week', but that week never comes! I thought I would have all of this free time with the kids starting school but, just the opposite seems to have happened, now I run like crazy most of the day. I also told my hubby the other day that I almost hate to 'ruin' my weight loss by exercising again. He rolled his eyes. You know, sometimes when something is working you just don't want to go throw a wrench in it. So, for now, let's just say "next week". Food is going well, I guess. If I were to play the word association game and you were to say, "Food", I would reply, "BORING". Yep, that about sums it up. I have been really good about cutting the carbs back out and sticking to the basics, but sometimes I think why bother eating! I keep telling myself I need to take more time and make more exciting meals for myself again, but when your running out the door, lunch meat and cheese seems the only convenient option. I've also not been so good about eating since school started. It seems it's much easier to just not eat than to have to stop and figure out what to eat. Needless to say, I'm still not hungry most of the time. Except, I think I've noticed that I get hungry more often during 'that time of the month'. Not just head hungry either, but the 'feed me before I eat you from the inside out' kind of hungry! But, that is easy to ignore when I am on the go. Went clothes shopping again this week. Okay, I didn't actually go shopping for clothes, although, I need to soon here. It seems my pants and bras are all trying to leave my body these days. I'd better do it soon too, before something escapes! See, what happens is that we go to Sam's club to get milk, and they get new things in all of the time so I just have to walk through and see if there is anything that I just can't live without. This week I brought home a pair of size 10 cordory pants, a long sleeve, fitted top, and a size medium shearling jacket. I also exchanged a pair of size 12 capri's that the zipper pulled loose on (and not because they were too tight) for a smaller pair. The thing was, they only had a size 8 left, so I bought them for next spring. Of course, the first thing I do when I get home is run to my room with all of my 'goodies' and try everything on. The size 10's fit great...but they were ugly, so back they go. I thought the shirt was a bit too tight, but my hubby assured me that it looked great. The jacket, I LOVE. And the size 8 pants I was saving for next spring...I just couldn't help but try them on you know. Well, they were tight, but I did get them buttoned! I didn't zip them because I was afraid of straining the little side zipper. I just couldn't believe that I could even get them on! I still struggle with the 'will I ever make it' syndrome, but all in all I think I'm doing okay. I just keep telling myself, "Another 10 pounds". I emailed another member this week and she said her nutritionist said she might want to think about 'leveling off' in another 10 pounds (her and I are the same height and weight). You know, until then, I have never once thought that a person might want to try to slow things down on purpose! Doesn't that just sound crazy? I mean, you work so hard to lose, lose, lose, and then someone comes along and tells you to stop. Boy, I'm really going to have to think that one over. I just can't quite process that one right now. Maybe in another 15-20 pounds but, even then I think that would be hard. Hopefully, I won't have to think about it too much. I figure that as time goes on things are bound to slow down anyway. I just keep hoping that I don't come to a screeching halt too soon. But, all I can do is be thankful for this week, and keep on keeping on for next week...and enjoy the ride while it lasts.
9/5/03 - WEEK 31 - Today, I congratulate myself. For the first time EVER I actually weigh less than my husband! That is such an awesome feeling. I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined that the day would really come...but here it is! I even tried on some of his pants to make sure I wasn't dreaming, and they fit...even the jeans. And get this, some are actually several inches too big in the waist! Now if I could just get the lower abs to come along for the ride. I also did a little shopping this last week and was quite surprised that I could pretty much walk up to any rack and grab a size medium shirt and try it on and have it fit great. That is a strange, almost unreal, sensation. It's like I look at it and think gee that's awfully small and question whether I should grab the large, but then somehow by the time I get it on it fits. Another one of those great mysteries in life. I also survived my 'big squish' appointment this week. Actually, the ultrasound was worse than that mammogram, if you can believe that. Apparantly, the technician couldn't see all the way around the lump without getting shadows, so she kept digging in harder and harder and rolling back and forth accross it. By the time all was said and done, I was sore for several hours. The good news is that it doesn't appear to be anything serious but, I still need to have a biopsy done just to make sure and I'm actually opting for a full lumpectomy instead just so I can comfortably lay on my side again. I have a surgery consult today, so we'll see what the verdict is. I'm, obviously, quite pleased with the weight loss this week. The funny thing is that I don't know that I've ever really done anything differently. I think if anything, I've pushed it on the quatntity a bit more...maybe it's the general upping the calories that has helped. Well, I've got to go...until next week...
8/29/03 - WEEK 30 - Well, I did it. I actually lost two pounds this week. What's my secret you ask? Nothing! I was all freaked out last week about not losing any weight, and then over the weekend I had relatives in from out of town for my uncle's wedding. Then, on Sunday night we headed out of town and ate out for just about every meal until last night (Thurs). So, here I was thinking I was going to crack back down and 'get serious' this week, and then life came along and happened in it's own way! Figures doesn't it! Anyway, I was a bit worried when I stepped on the scale this morning but thankfully it has moved. I also took my monthly measurements this morning and was pleasanly surpised. Even though I have only lost 8 pounds this month, I still have lost 9.75 inches, for a total of 92", so I guess I can't complain too much can I? The other adventure of my morning was trying on clothes. The first thing I tried on was the size 12 pants I bought last week - that were a little bit tight and they actually fit quite well now, well, everywhere except the in the waist, where they are about 2 inches too big. You know, I could understand why pants would be tight around my middle (tummy/hips/thighs) and loose in the waist when I weighed 274...but what's the deal now! I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry. It seems I'm finding that I can't escape my general body shape...I might as well face it, I'll never be stick straight. I was also able to fit into my last pair of pants (the archaic size 14) which was nice, but also hard knowing that soon I'm going to actually have to buy things to try to keep up with my ever changing shape. I know, cry me a river...I just hate to spend money on things that I'm only going to wear for a month or two, you know? The fun part of it all, though, was trying on all of the size 16/18 pants that I had worn this spring and early summer. Not one sigle pair did anything but hang from my hips! Now that was a good feeling. Sometimes it's nice to have that kind of reality check. All in all things are going well, though. I still haven't gotten back to exercising. I keep telling myself the old "I'll start on Monday" spiel, but I never do. I'm hoping that once the kids go to school I can use some of my four hours of free time to get moving again. I also had my first 'ate too much' and am so miserable I wish someone would shoot me experience this weekend. I orderd a chicken, cheese, fried onion and tomatoe sandwhich on grilled sourdough this weekend and ate just about half of it! It was soooooo good. It was, by far, the best things I have eaten in the last 7 months! Anyway, I even ate about 3/4 of the bread, on the half I ate, and ended up so miserably full that all I could do was lay around and wish I could throw up! It was awful! And on top of it all I could think was I hope I'm not going to pay for this by having stretched my pouch! Oh, the foolish things we do! Anyway, I won't be doing that again...ever! It was very good though. We also played in the pool this week and had a blast with not only our kids, but with other people's kids as well (while their parents sat and watched). My hubby said it was nice to see me having so much fun. I told him that it was nice to be able to have so much fun and that there is no way I could have done the things we did 100 pounds ago. You know, before my surgery, I would have said I was generally happy with my life, and I was....I guess I just didn't know how much more I was missing.
8/22/03 - WEEK 29 - I'm a bit 'bummed' today. This is my first official non-losing week since I've had my surgery. I know that I should be happy that I've made it this far while many others have struggled all along the way but it's still a bummer. This week has had it's ups and downs literally. On Saturday, I weighed in at 171 then by Tuesday I was back up to 175 and it's only this morning that I'm finally back down to 172...so, in all reality, I guess I can't complain, at least I'm not registering a gain for the week. I knew (and slightly dreaded) the time would come when things would slow down but, I just kept 'holding my breath' hoping to sqeak by for another week. I might as well 'breathe' now before I turn blue! Now, I guess it's just time to get serious. I have asked myself all week what I am doing differently and think, maybe, I can get myself back on track. For starters, the exercise routine has gone out the window - again - and I know that has to account for some of the slow down. Then, I think I'm starting to slip in the carb department some these days too. Like last night, we went to Chipotle and I ate about 1/4 of the tortilla from my taco. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I think all of the 'little bits' are adding up. And I have slacked off in the protien department too. I have dropped down to one drink a day instead of two or three. So, hopefully, I can get back on track here and lose the rest of my weight. Although, it has been really, really, nice living a more 'normal' life these last few weeks. I also had my six month check with my primary this week and he seemed pleased with my 100 pound loss. I also told him what the surgeon's nurse said about losing another 40ish pounds, and he agreed that I would probably end up somewhere in the neighborhood of 140ish, so we'll see. The phrase that comes to mind hear is, "What are you waiting for, Christmas?" And at the rate I'm going, the answer is, "Yes...hopefully"! I also had him recheck a lump in my breast that he had checked a couple of years ago because I was thinking that either it was getting bigger, or it just seemed that way because I have a lot less breast around it these days. I've also been experiencing some pain when I lay on that side, which is getting rather annoying. Anyway, he said I definetly need to go get it checked out. So, it's off to the 'big squish' for me. I'm not thrilled, especially with all of the 'vice grips' horror stories you hear but, hey, I guess it can't be any worse than a pap - can it?! At least I can finally get rid of this darn thing. Speaking of breasts, I also went bra shopping this week. That was kind of depressing. I still fill a 36DD quite nicely, it's just I have to 'fold them up' to fill it! Before surgery I would have said I would never consider plastic surgery but, now, I'm wondering when, and where, to sign up! I asked my primary and he said I should wait at least another six months, but I think I'll at least start doing some checking around. I also bought another pair of size 12 pants this week. Boy is that strange. They are still tight, but I figure if three different brands of size 12's fit, it must be true. I still can't figure out 'how' they fit, but hey, some things are best left a mystery! Well, I think that's about all of the complaining I have for this week! Thanks for listening!
8/15/03 - WEEK 28 - Where to start! This has been a busy week. It seems we are now entering the dreaded back to school routine - which we never 'missed' as a homeschool family. Then, on top of it, we are in the process of getting braces for our 8 year old. We also had our driveway torn out this week and I discovered that a 8 hour day of jackhammering, dump trucks and skid steer loaders is not only noisy but stressful in a strange kind of way. By the end of the day I was so frazzled! We also spent every night from Sunday through Wednesday shopping for a new (well new to us) vehicle. I joked with my hubby that most people just buy themselves jewelry or get a tatoo, or buy some new clothes when they reach their 100 pound mark, not an entire vehicle. He found that amusing. It's been long overdue though and with the kids starting school, I needed a vehicle that would actually make it the whole 5 miles and back each day! Well, let's see, what else? I have once again fallen off of the exercise wagon. Actually, I did exercise one whole time this week. How impressive!? Some how I still managed to lose four pounds though? You know, that's what gets me. Last week, I worked my butt off and lost a whole 2 pounds. This week I exercised one whole day, and lose four. Doesn't that just figure! Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Food and water are still going fairly well. Early on in the week I felt icky each time I would eat, but it seems to be going away again. Also, I had been thinking I could eat 'so much more' over the last several weeks, until one day last week, I pulled some chicken off of a breast to reheat in the micro. I took off what I though looked about right for what I can eat these days and thought it looked like quite a lot so, I thought hey, why don't I put this into a measuring cup and see for sure. So, with 'fear and trembling' I got out my measuring cups and held each one next to the meat and finally decided that what I had out must have been between 1/3 and 1/2 cup. So, I decided that I would try packing it into the 1/3 cup first. Well, lo and behold, it all fit quite easily! So, I guess I won't be freaking out thinking 'I ate so much' anymore. I keep telling myself I should spend a week tracking on Fitday again and see how much I really am eating these days but, some how that just seems like so much work right now. And as long as I keep losing 2-4 pounds a week, well, I'm not sure I really need and assesment, it would just be nice to know. We also had our appointment for our 7 year old daughter to check out her heart murmur this week. We are happy to report that everything looks great. They said that she may, or may not, grow out of it but, it is nothing to worry about and that she will more than likely always just have a 'noisy' heart. We thank and praise God for a good report. Thanks to all who joined in praying for Mikayla last week - God is faithful and has heard our prayers!
8/12/03 - WELL IT'S OFFICIAL! I've FINALLY (I know I say that like it's been forever or something) reached the 100 pound mark! It seems like it's been toying with me for the last several weeks, but now it's finally here! I got on the scale four times this morning to just make sure I wasn't seeing things, or that my scale wasn't playing a cruel joke on me! How does it feel you ask? Wonderful and, yet, not much different all at the same time. It seems I get glimpses of the 'skinny' girl through all of the 'fat' mentality from time to time and THEN I like what I see. Now if only I could get past myself the rest of the time!
8/8/03 - WEEK 27 - AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Thump, thump, thump, thump (my head banging against my desk)! WHEN AM I EVER GOING TO LEARN? I innocently thought I would 're-read' my profile, from my profile page and then go back and fix any mistakes before I saved it, and by the time I went back it was gone!!!! Well, where to start...again. All in all it has been a good week. I am eeeking in on that 100 pound mark. As of yesterday I was down 99 pounds and I knew it could go either way today, and well it did...just the wrong way! Oh well, maybe next week. Last weekend I bought myself a top and some pants, for fall. Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on how you look at it) I didn't keep either of the pants I bought. The first pair was too low in the rise (and I just don't think I'm ever gonna be a hip hugger kind of girl) and the second pair fit way to perfectly to keep to 'shrink into'. The cool thing was that both of them were a size 12! The sad thing is that when I look in the mirror, I still see that fat girl most of the time. Hopefully, my brain will join me on this journey one of these days! On Sauturday we took our kids to Valley Fair and had lots of fun. We even played in the water park for part of the day, which I wouldn't have been 'caught dead' doing this time last year. The best part was that after being on my feet for 14 hours my feet, legs, hips or back didn't hurt for once. Well, actually, that's not totally true. By the end of the day my spine, shoulder blades, ribs, and neck all felt like they were bruised. I guess I've never gone to an amusement park with so many bones sticking out! Thankfully it went away on the second day. Let's see what else. I think the hair loss is finally starting to slow down. You know, I'm not really looking forward to getting it all back either. I'm kind of liking things the way they are. Last time I got my hair cut this short (2-3 years ago) the stylist had to thin my hair out quite a bit so I didn't end up looking like Bozo the clown. Well, this time the gal didn't have to thin it at all, although I thought a few places needed it. Now I'll have to learn to work with it all over again...I know cry me a river. Now the $100 question is, what will the new hair be like? Hopefully, it won't end up being stick straight or something strange like that. I guess only time will tell. I also went in for my six month check up this last Friday after I updated. I saw the new male nurse, Kurt. He was nice and we had a good visit. It was funny though, because he kept looking at my paperwork and my 'before' picture and just saying, "Wow". My hubby hardly even recognized me in my before picture, so it must just be that much more drastic for someone who doesn't know me. I also 'pinned him down' on how much more weight I would/could/should expect to lose in the next six months and he said around 40 pounds. I told him that I had in mind another 30ish, so that was perfect. I did manage to start up my exercise routine again this week. UUUGGGGGGGG! It was so painful to have to drag my butt downstairs and do it. Then on top of it all, on the days I did weights, I was so tired for the rest of the day that I even fell asleep in a chair twice! Hopefully, that will get better. The other unpleasant side effect that I've had return now that I'm exercising again, is feeling like I am going to pass out when I stand up too quickly. The strange thing is that it had gone away about half way through the month that I didn't exercise. I didn't miss it either. So, hopefully, it will all get easier again as time goes on. You would think that after six months that the whole water, vitamin, protien, exercise thing would have become more 'routine'. Or not! But, I guess, you've gotta do, what you've gotta do. I've also been struggling with the whole 'my journey must be just about over' thing, again. It seems that every time I get on the scale these days, I hold my breath waiting to see (or not see) what happens. I know it's silly but I just can't seem to get over that feeling. Yes, I am a scale addict. I keep telling myself that I need to give the poor thing a rest, but I just can't seem to actually do it. I guess better the scale than food. I wonder if they have a support group for scale junkies? The one nice side effect of exercising, though, has been that I haven't been so hungry. Up until last week I was getting hungry, usually, about twice a day. This week its been more like twice all week...which has been a really nice surprise. Well, that's about all I can remember. I'll post again at 100 pounds, or next week, which ever is sooner! Have a blessed week! N.D. Please be praying for us this week. On Tuesday, we are taking Mikayla to Children's to have an echocardiogram done to determine what, if anything, needs to be done about her murmur as she is is several years past when they like to see it outgrown by. We will not get the results for about a week. Thanks.
8/1/03 - WEEKS 25 & 26 - Well, it finally happened...one day last week, I looked in the mirror and wondered whose hips and stomach I was looking at! Every time I went to the bathroom that day I couldn't help but just stop and look at myself. It was strange. I've also noticed that over the last couple of weeks, I am more and more comfortable with my body. Like, it doesn't bother me to sit around in a pair of short shorts, or wear a tiny tank top out in public. So, at this point, I can honestly say that if I never lost another pound, I would be happy right where I am at. Of course, I will still work on losing the last 30, or so, pounds, but at last, I can say it was all worth it. The last week with the 6 kids was stressful, and I discovered that I still suffer from stress eating. I guess this surgery doesn't cure everything, now does it. The nice thing though was that my hubby bought me some sugar free mints and that seemed to satisfy my need to 'eat' something fairly well...that, and protien bars. I've also found that I am becoming increasingly more hungry! Yikes! I knew it would happen sooner or later...and yes, I know it is later...but, couldn't it just hold out another six months or so? Well, acutally, it hasn't been too bad. I just try to remind myself that being hungry isn't a bad thing and that my body is just asking for what it needs. I've also noticed that my food intake has taken another jump. I'm not totally sure how much I am eating most of the time, but like when I eat turkey pepperoni and cheese, I can now eat 10 pepperoni and 1 ounce of cheese with no problem, whereas, a month to six weeks ago, I was lucky if I could get in 6 or 7 and 1/2 once of cheese. I'm trying not to let this new combination of hunger and the ability to eat more worry me, but sometimes it's hard. I almost hold my breath when I get on the scale thinking I won't have lost anything because I am eating 'so much more'. Oh, the mind games we play! I go for my six month check up today with my surgeons nurse. Things are gonig so well that it's almost tempting not to go sometimes. I'm sure I'll glean something from the visit...I usually do...even if it's just encouragement. I also took my monthly measurements today, and am down another 13.25 inches...three being in my abdomen alone! That was a nice surprise, especially being that I haven't exercised in a month now. I know I've got to get back down there and dust off that exercise equipment...some how, it just hasn't been a priority. Hopefully, Monday!?! I do know I need to get going though to keep this weight loss going now that I'm coming to the end of my 'honeymoon'. So, I guess it's time to get out my walking shoes and crack back down and see how much more weight I can eeek off in the next six months. I think that's about all I've got for now! Have a great week. N.D. - hope all is well with James, we will continue to pray for him.
7/18/03 - WEEK 24 - WARNING, we are not officially entering uncharted territory!!!! This week, I have hit, what to me, is my first truly exciting milestone! I am now at my lowest weight since my hubby and I have been married (almost 11 years). I am more excited to see what these next weeks bring, more than any other time period since having this surgery, because I really don't know what's under there from this point on. Did that make any sense? I hope so. The other fun event of my week was going through the remainder of my 'shrink back into' box of clothes and having every last thing fit, well, except one pair of size 14 Calvin Klein jeans, that I bought at a garage sale, the last time I got down to 185. Of course, they didn't fit then, so I wasn't holding my breath now. Even better yet, I tried on a pair of my hubby's dress pants and they fit perfectly! Get this, I weighed about what I do now when we got married, but hubby only weighed 135. Now, 11 years later, he is up to a whopping 165! Well, one of the major milestones that I would like to reach is weighing less than him....finally! The cool thing is that if the dress pants fit now, then hopefully that means that at 165, I'll actually be smaller than him for the first time ever! I now have two more weeks until my 'official' six month check up. I still don't think I'll quite make it to 100 pounds, but it should be close. I'm over the "I should have done more" and the being dissapointed. I just hope the weight keeps coming off for a while yet. Let's see, what else...this week I have decided that coughing must count towards exercise, because there is no other way to explain my five pound weight loss for the week! On Monday, I still wasn't feeling well and decided to skip the workout and, well, before I knew it, I had skipped all week. Ooops! So, now it's been three weeks since I've done a thing! Hopefully, I can get in a few days here before next week when I go out of town to baby sit my friends three kids for the week, while they go to Alaska. I'm hoping that even though I won't be able to work out there, that chasing 6 kids (3 mine, 3 hers) under the age of 8 will keep me active enough to burn some calories for the week! The hard part is going to be not being able to weigh myself. Yes, I am adicted to my scale. Part of me is tempted to bring it with me! I guess by not bringing it, I won't be able to obsess about trying to make it to the 100 pound mark! Well, I think thats about all folks! Happy losing to all!
7/11/03 - WEEK 22 & 23 - Well, today is going to be a long one. I tried to update on Monday, for last week, but when I was done and clicked the 'update my file' button, I got an error page and then my computer started to dial up again. I clicked on the back button and still got an error page...long story short...I lost everything! So, where to start...well, I took my monthly measurements on Monday the 30th and I am now down another 10" for a total of 69". Ten inches doesn't sound like much...but 69...that's almost working on 6 FEET!!! I still don't know where it all went! Then, on Monday, then kids and I were planning on going to La Cross, WI with the hubby - he goes down there for work every couple of months. Anyway, when he came home to pick us up, I asked what he would think about going to the Wisconsin Dells for the rest of the week. So, that's what we did, Fourth of July weekend, no reservations, no real 'plans', we just 'flew by the seat of our pants'! We had a blast. The best part was that I could actually go down the water slides WITH my kids. That was so much fun. This time last year, I'm not sure I would have even made it up the stairs! Another cool thing was that after the boat tour we took, we had to walk up 20-30 stairs and hike up the rest of the hill, well I was able to leave my hubby, three kids, and another mom with her two teenage daughters in the dust...and I wasn't even winded! One of my kids was even complaining that their legs hurt. Can you say WOW! We also took the kids horseback riding...and I was able to fit in the saddle with our five year old...granted I still felt sorry for the horse, but we actually fit! Food went pretty well for the week, I took one protien bar and drink for each day, then just ate 'normal' meals with my family. Some of the things I tried this week were, chips and salsa - yum, artichoke ravioli - even yummier, ribs, and fajita pizza. And it all went down just fine. The neat thing was that I discovered that in the end, my life (eating wise) will go somewhat back to normal someday. Granted, I wouldn't eat those things every day right now, because I still want to do everything I can to maximize my weight loss while I still have time, but it was sure nice to see that I could still go and enjoy a 'normal' meal and not regret it. The other interesting thing for me that week was noticing heads turn here and there...boy has it been a long time since that has happened! I'd almost forgotten what that was like. I'm not sure I like it as much as I used to, but hey it was kind of nice. And well, hubby and I had a great time too. It's amazing what you can do when your three kids are sleeping! Unfortunately, by the time we came home on Monday (the 7th) I was getting sick. This has been the first time I have been sick since I've had my surgery. I am not having fun. This morning I coughed so hard that I actually pulled a muscle in my lower stomach area, and now I have to lean over when I cough so it doesn't hurt as much. Then, on Wednesday, I ate a new protein bar I got, and I don't know what was in that thing, but, boy did that not like me. First I started out with my usual dumping symptoms and went to lay down. About a half hour later I shot out of bed with such bad intestinal pain and cramping, I could hardly believe it. I spent about the next hour in the bathroom. It was not fun. I have heard of people eating things and having that happen...and I always said I wish it would happen to me once in a while to 'clean things out'...well, I was wrong! That was miserable. After that I was so drained for the rest of the day, I hardly got off of the couch or out of bed. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be eating those again, which is too bad, becuase I actually liked it. It seems that if I do find any bar that I like, it doesn't like me. I used to think it was Maltitol that did it to me, but who knows. I think I'm about ready to give up on the bar thing all together. I also reached another milestone over these last few weeks. I am now no longer obese...I am just 'overweight'. Again, I'm not sure that sounds much better, but I'll take what I can get. Needless to say, I haven't exercised in 14 days now, unless you count water slides and coughing. I think I will still take the weekend off and try to start back up on Monday. I was hoping to make it to the century club and lose my 100 pounds by six months, but as I close in on the end of July, I am pretty sure I won't quite make it. In some ways, I'm almost feeling a bit disappointed, even though I know I shouldn't be. On the other hand though, I am just happy to see that the weight is still coming off. It seems that at least once a month, I think things must be slowing down and I fear that my weight loss will stop all together, but so far, so good, it just keeps on going. So, no matter where I end up three weeks from now, I'm just happy that this journey isn't over yet. Well, now that I've just about doubled the length of my profile, I best save it before I post this time!
6/27/03 - WEEK 21 - I'm late updating for this last week. Things are going better in general. I think I'm finally working my way out of ketosis. I'm now only ever in the lightest color range. Hopefully that doesn't mean that the weight loss will slow down with it. This week I didn't lose anyting until Thursday and Friday, which had me a bit worried that I was starting on a plateau. Yes, I am addicted to my scale...and not terribly ashamed to admit it either! Food is still not my friend...I never thought that eating could be such drudgery! I just hate the thought of even having to figuring out what I'm going to eat, not to mention having to actually eat it. Hunger still hasn't come back full force...I "think" I might be hungry about once a week. I've also had problems with what I think might be stomach acid...not quite sure though, definetly something to talk to the doctor about next time I'm in.
6/20/03- WEEK 20 - This week has been a hard week. I started off on Sunday eating a protein bar that I hadn't tried before at my hubby's parent's church between Sunday School and the service, for 'breakfast' and ended up dumping big time. I spent just about the entire service on a Sunday School room floor! Then, that afternoon, I had that wonderful swallowed a brick feeling while we were all at the table eating steak...and had to excuse myself. I didn't end up throwing up but that was the end of lunch. Then, yesterday, I was eating some steak (again) and ended up having my worst bout of puking yet. I don't know what the deal is, but I seem to have a very hard time actually throwing up...even though I am in immense pain, and wish I would. After salivating profusely for 20 minutes, I finally ended up wretching, almost uncontrollably, for several minutes and finally got the steak to exit my body along with tons of mucus. It was not fun, I felt like my head was going to explode. At that point, it made it kind of hard to eat for the rest of the day. Let's just say this has not been a good food week. On the up side, I am back on track with my exercise though. I am actually having fun seeing the results of the weight lifting. I feel so much stronger and better in general. I also notice that even if I have to drag myself to the treadmill, that I usually feel better, and have more energy, after I do exercise. It has also been a lot easier to get in my water this week, now that it is warmer out. I think I have been averaging about 100-120 ounces a day. I am still not eating too much. Sometimes I suprise myself and think, wow, that was a lot, and wish I had measured out what I ate so I knew for sure. Of course, when I eat my 'standby' foods I don't see much of an increase...maybe 1-3 bites...so, who knows. I do still seem to get that icky 'full' feeling a lot. I think it's because I'm pushing the volume a bit more. If I was smart, I would stop pushing and just quit sooner and avoid that all together, now wouldn't I? It still feels wrong sometimes to only eat such a little amount...it's just hard not to want to get in one or two more bites, especially if it's something I'm actually enjoying...most of the time, I wish I hadn't though. Well, that's about it for this week...hopefully next week will be better.
6/13/03 - WEEK 19 - I made finally made it! I am now officially under 200 pounds. That is so awesome! This morning I went through a stack of old clothes that I had marked to try on when I reached the 200 mark. About half of the clothes (size 16's) fit me. It was kind of fun. The other exciting thing was that I decided to exchange those size 16 capri pants that I bought two weeks ago for a 14, because I don't really have much of anything under a size 16 left in my 'overgrown box'...because, I guess I've never been that small since my teens. Anyway, I bought the 14's in these pants thinking I would hold on to them for a month and see if they fit. Well, you know me, the instant gratification person, just had to try them on and see if I could even get them past my hips...and you guessed it...they fit! Well, not actually fit...they were quite tight, and I wouldn't dare wear them in public yet, but hey, at least I got them zipped...and I didn't even have to lay on the bed! I have also gotten back into an exercise routine this last week. It has been hard, but it also feels good. I hate walking on the treadmill, but I really enjoy lifting weights. I have also gotten better about getting my protein in again this week. I am now consistantly getting in 2-3 shakes a day. I am also still eating mostly protein foods...but, I have started trying to add a bit more carbs to see if it would help with the dizziness I was/am experiencing. I think it's helping. The episodes do seem to be tapering off over this week. The hard thing about food recently has been that I seem to have eaten my way though most of the protein foods that I have been able to get to sound remotely good and now feel like there is nothing left that I enjoy. I thought this would be getting better about now...I guess not. Maybe it's time to start the list all over again and see if anything sounds/tastes good again. Maybe it's because I'm still in ketosis. I know it will get better sooner or later...and part of me wants it to be sooner, yet I know, that I should enjoy this time while it lasts, because in another 4-6 months I will be wishing it were so easy again! Don't you just love the 'grass is greener' syndrome? Also this week, I was talking to someone and told them that my primary doctor said that I would probably only lose 100 pounds and that I would like to see myself get down another 25 pounds beyond that, but I wasn't sure if it would really happen. Well, she reminded me that I only have 25 to go until I make it to 100 pounds and from there, I will already be half way to my goal. It was kind of nice to hear some 'perspective'. In my mind, it seems forever away...and almost unattainable...but, a girl can dream...and sometimes dreams really do come true!
6/6/03 - WEEK 18 - Well, I'm slowly closing in on that under 200 mark! It seems as if the time and weightloss are just crawling now days, even though when I look over the weeks, not much has changed. I have been having dizzy spells this week. I called and talked to my nurse and she said that she (or the other nurse) couldn't think of much that would explain what I was describing (being dizzy/lightheaded, but not like I'm going to pass out, on and off throughout the day, even when sitting) other than maybe my blood sugar is going to low. I was told to try upping my carbs a bit and see if that helps any and if not to go visit my primary. Hopefully things will get better...it's getting a bit 'old' already. Food is also being a struggle again this week. I don't know what the deal is, but I seem to occasionally go through a week where I get so full, so fast, then feel almost nauseous for the whole time after I eat, until I drink again. I so don't like that full/naseous feeling! Yuck! I even was too full to finish my protein drink last night...which is a first. I still seem to be holding out around 1/4 to 1/3 cup of most things...except this week, it seems like I am getting full on a bit less. I keep thinking I should push it more, but, it just makes no sense to keep eating when I am already uncomfortable. I am back to exercising this week...even though it is the last thing I feel like doing. I just keep telling myself that I will lose weight faster if I make myself do it...and in the end I'm usually glad I did. I think I'm finally getting to the point where the newness and excitment of the whole process is wearing off...which is good, I think. Not that it isn't exciting to see the scale move, or have old clothing fit, but it seems like it's getting harder to keep up with my food and exercise routine...at this point, it would be easier to not do either. I know I need to eat to live, and lose, but most of the time now, it's just such a drag...and exercise isn't rating far behind eating. I know that sooner or later the 'honeymoon' will end (if it's not already), and I will have to learn to eat, drink and exercise with less and less motivation...I just hope I have laid a good enough foundation to keep me going beyond the next few months. For now though, I guess I'll just keep on keeping on and enjoy this phase while it lasts.
6/2/03 - UPDATE - Well, I did it! I went out and got all of my hair cut off this weekend. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand the mess for long...and hubby and I got talking about it, so I decided to just do it. I went in and told the stylist that I was losing hair in a hurry and that I didn't have a clue what I wanted done, and to just do what she thought would look best. Then about half way through, we got talking about color...and by the time it was all said and done, I ended up with short hair and carmel-blonde chunky highlights. It is so cool! I absolutely love it. I've always gone with red highlights, or all over color, because that is my natural undertone, but the carmely color is wonderful...even though I wasn't sure I could even begin to imagine it when the stylist suggested it. My hubby even keeps asking me who I am. I am so glad I did it. Even better yet, now I only have 1/4 the amount of hair to pick up from everywhere!
5/30/03 - WEEK 17 - I'm a bit frustrated this week. I seem to be off track...and out of whack, a bit with everything about my WLS...and the scale seems to be showing it. I hadn't lost anything all week until Thursday - then, suddenly, I was down three pounds. Now today, for my 'official' weekly weight check, I was back up two pounds again! Arrrggg! What's the deal there? I have exercised this week, but only 2 times so far. I know I need to get back to 5 days a week, but it sure is getting hard to do now that it is getting so nice outside. Food wise, I just can't seem to stay on track there either. I eat five times one day, and two the next, or drink one protein drink one day, and two or three the next. And my water intake is all over the place too. I think I'm starting to get hungry now days...it's just so different than before surgery, when my stomach would feel like it was going to eat me from the inside out, which is nice and quite easy to ignore or dismiss altogether. On the up side though, when we were at Sam's Club this week, I saw some cute capri pants with embroidered trim at the bottoms and thought I would look and see how 'big' the size 16 looked. I held them up and though that there was just no way they would fit, but my hubby thought I should take them home and try them anyway, and if they didn't fit within the next 3-4 weeks, we could still return them. So, when we got home, the first thing I did was try them on and, to my suprise, I put them on and zipped them right up! I was so excited. Now if I could only get the size 16's from a few years ago to fit! It was still an ego booster though. I also did my monthly measurements this morning and am down another 13" for the month, which gives me a total of 59" gone - 14" in my abdomen and 8.5" in my waist. Hopefully, I can get back on track this month and keep the weight loss going. I don't think I'll make 100 pounds by six months but, it sure would be nice to make 80-90...we'll just have to wait and see!
5/23/03 - WEEK 16 - Not much to say this week. I haven't exercised all week again. I hurt my foot somehow. Hopefully, I'll be able to get going again soon. Food and water have been harder again this week...I just feel so full and icky all of the time. I also seem to be more tired than I have been since early post-op. My hair is still coming out...not that I expected it to stop. I am thinking about getting it all cut off...I'm not sure how much more I can stand picking hairs off of everything all day. I don't know how people do it for months at a time. I'm still cold a lot of the time. I can't wait for the 80's and 90's so I can finally stop wearing a sweater all the time. I am finally working toward the 'normal' size range. I bought two tank/sweater sets (one set was all silk for $22) at Sam's Club this last week in a XL, they are a bit smaller than I would normally buy (they don't cover my tummy all the way), but, I told myself that I am still shrinking and that if I don't keep them now, I won't be able to find anything that cheap when I do feel comfortable in it. I've been this weight (and lower) before, I just seem to be having a harder time seeing it this time...even though I think I'm smaller than I was at this weight previously. Well, for not having much to say, I sure said a lot. Only 8 more pounds until I'm under 200...I can hardly wait!
5/16/03 - WEEK 15 - LET THE HAIR LOSS BEGIN! I thought I noticed some last week, but dismissed it. Well, this week there is no denying it! I figured I would lose some being that I did after each of my kids was born...yet, hoped I would be one of those 'fortunate few' that get around it...obviously not. It just might be time to get a hair cut. I am a bit frustrated this week. I know things are going great...I just can't figure out why my body still looks the same when I look in the mirror. Yes, I know all of the flab must be 'smaller flab' but somehow it still looks the same to me as it did 60 pounds ago. Everyone is noticing my weight loss now, and I get comments every time I see friends and family, even if it's only been a few weeks...which is nice...I just want ME to notice more. Yesterday, I tried on some of my old clothes from 3 summers ago, and I was actually able to get one pair of 16's on (granted, I wouldn't wear them in public yet), but when I took them off and held them up, I just couldn't get them to 'fit' mentally. I know it will come in time...I just want that time to be now. I even spent my time on the treadmill yesterday figuring out how many more pounds I would need to lose a week to make 100 pounds in six months (Which, incidentally, is 3.4 pounds). When I say that...it sounds ridiculous...I mean who loses 100 pounds that quickly? It seems so close, yet, so far away. Patience is not my strong suit. Food has been going better and better. I can eat things quite easily now, for the most part, and have increased my calories to 500-600 a day. I still find it hard to find things that sound good, and often have to force myself to finish what I do start...which seems so wrong. My water intake has dropped back down a bit, to around 80 ounces a day...of course, that's just what comes naturally, and I haven't been pushing to get more than that in. I figure sooner or later, I am going to have to learn to live my life with my tool...not constantly revolving around it.
5/9/03 - WEEK 14 - Well, I'm late updating, but thought I still would. I'm back to exercising this week...not having fun doing it...but plugging away none the less. We had a garage sale this last weekend and I sold most of my clothes. It was kind of hard to do. You know how when you lose enough weight to drop a size or two, you keep the clothes because in the back of your mind you know, in all likelyhood, you will need them again? Well, part of me wanted, so badly, to hold on to them all. It was kind of like saying the last good-bye to an old friend. But, I had to let go and beleive that this time the weight will be gone for good. The cool thing was that I was helping a lady with the sizes of some things and she said, Well you sure aren't a size 22"! I could hardly beleive it. Then, another lady said I couldn't possibly be a size 2 or 3x! I mean wow! I guess when I see those clothes...in my mind they are still mine and therefore, I must be the same size as the people buying them...I guess not. Talk about a reality check. Although, I have noticed that from time to time my reflection will catch me off guard and I will go back to see if that was really me! :) Another cool thing this weekend was that I finally got into my size 18 jeans! Then, I got to thinking that it was only three weeks ago that I got into my size 20's...how incredible is that!?! I've also noticed that my elastic waist pants are all now 2-3 inches too big...at least they stay up. The only problem I have now is that I really don't have any pants that fit me, other than my jeans. I guess I'm just going to have to live with my saggies for now and work my butt off and see if I can get into a 16 in the next couple of weeks. The nice thing is that I still have a lot of 14/16 summer things (and pants even) from the last time I managed to lose weight. So, hopefully, I should be able to keep myself clothed for the summer anyway...and if not, at least it's garage sale season!
5/2/03 - WEEK 13 - Had my three month follow up with my surgeon and primary this week. Everything seems to be going well and the general consensus is that I am right on track. I was a bit dicouraged though that my primary said that I could/should get down to around 170 pounds. He said that most people lose 80-100 pounds and that if I got there, that would be good. I guess I never really thought I had a goal weight in mind...but somehow, I must have developed some sort of goal in the back of my mind, somewhere along the way...and it sure isn't 170! Of course, that's still almost another 50 pounds away and maybe by then, I will see things differently and be fine with that. I took my monthly measurements this week and am down another 15 inches...six and a half of them being in my abdomen. My hubby keeps telling me I'm the incredible shrinking woman...and after taking my measurements I guess I see why. Of course, I don't always see it. I did try on some of my old jeans this week and was able to get the size 18's on and zipped...but sitting down was still out of the question! I haven't exercised all week, mostly due to circumstances. The strange thing is that sometimes I notice that I lose more weight (2-3 pounds) over the weekend, when I don't exercise, and then lose only 0-2 pounds more during the week when I do exercise. So, when I discovered that I was losing a pound a day this week by not exercising, I decided I would finish out the week that way. Hopefully, as I start back up this week, my body will wonder what is going on and keep dropping. Food, is still...well, food! I did talk to my primary about the amount I am eating (400-500 caloires a day) and at first his eyes popped out of his head but then, he started to think about it and said that I may just be one of those people with a very slow metabolism and that I may find that in the end I may never be able to eat more than around 1000 caloires a day to maintain my weight. Right now, I feel fine with that...but I'm not sure how that will work out once hunger becomes a factor! All in all, things are going quite well and I am happy (most days) with the progress I am making.
4/25/03 - WEEK 12 - This week I have finally graduated to being just "Obese"! My BMI is now 34.8, so I am just squeaking by. Somehow that sounds so good...and yet still bad, at the same time. I wasn't feeling well early in the week. It seemed that every time I ate, I was feeling nauseous, which then left me not wanting to eat, which in turn, left me feeling very low on energy. Things have gotten better though. I have been trying to up my calories a bit...which hasn't been easy. I hate that full feeling...and knowing I could get rid of it if I drank some water, then having to wait, only makes it worse! I still find that I average about 400-600 calories a day. I haven't actually tracked it for a while now, but usually don't deviate from my favorites (if you can call it that) much. I was wondering if I wasn't eating enough, but I figure being that I keep losing from week to week, I can't be doing too bad. I can now eat up to 6 tablespoons of some things, but most of my meals stay around 4 still. I started taking calcium gel caps this week with no problem and will switch over to multi-vitamin pills within the next few days. Exercise is getting to be (or still is) a bit of a bore. I keep thinking I will get outside more, but when I do walk outside, I have to walk/jog/walk to get my heart rate up and the kids complain the whole time! Who would have ever thought I would want to go faster than my kids? That in itself is amusing. Still doing weights...but I don't notice much difference though. Hubby was going to join me, but he hasn't found all of that free time he keeps thinking he has yet, so I just keep plugging away without him. I didn't take my measurements for the month yet. I figured I would wait until my "offical" three months, which is next Wednesday. I also have my three month follow up with my primary and surgeon next week, so, I should have lots to write next week.
4/18/03 - WEEK 11 - Another week...another 4 pounds! Things are going well. I keep thinking that the weight loss is slowing down...until it proves me wrong at the end of the week. In some ways it seems like almost 50 pounds is a lot...in other ways, I feel as if I still have so far to go. I do notice it in the way my clothes fit now, but somehow I just don't see it in the mirror...even though just about everyone I run into comments on how "thin" my face and neck are now. I guess that will come in time. I am still walking and doing weights fairly consistantly. My water intake fluctuates between 80-100 ounces a day. Food seems to be getting some easier. I seem to have found a "natural", cautious "chew and swallow" pace, which is really nice. I haven't thrown up in about two weeks now, and have only had that swallowed a brick feeling once or twice since then too. I still am not hungry and have to remind myself to eat during the day. I am still drinking two protein drinks and eating three 3-4 TBSP meals. At this point, I would say that I feel good in general and that things are going quite well.
4/11/03 - WEEK 10 - This has been a good week. We got our weight machine together on Sunday night. I have only had a chance to use it twice now, but it seems every time I do, the next day I drop a few pounds. Things are getting busier in general now that the weather is getting warmer. I just hope I will be able to make time to keep at my exercise routine through the spring and summer. I am still walking just about every day, but have cut back to 45 minutes...an hour just seems so long! Food is still...well, food. I don't know that eating has gotten any better or more pleasurable. I still eat only out of necessity. I did try to force myself out of ketosis, early on this week, without much luck. I guess even when I eat poorly, I don't eat enough to change much...which is nice...I think. I guess that's about it. Still eating, still exercising, still losing, still happy.
4/4/03 - WEEK 9 - Boy, this has been a fast week! I am starting to feel a little frustrated this week though. It seems as if the weight loss is slowing down...again. I feel as if I don't work for this, every single day that, that my weight loss begins to stall...of course, maybe this is just the natural fluctuations I see people talking about...but it is still frustrating. I know I probably shouldn't weigh myself every week...but I just can't help knowing how things are going. I've been trying to work on getting in more food although, that hasn't been easy. I did throw up again this week on soy nuts...I only ate about 1 tablespoon but then started feeling full, then over the next 30-40 minutes it was like I was getting fuller and fuller. I finally decided to have a drink of water...and one small sip made me have that horrible brick in my chest feeling then, I knew it was over. Nothing still seems to really sound/taste good, so food is still a chore...and I still have trouble eating more than 2-4 tablespoons of anything, which is okay, I guess. As of now I have been getting in three meals and two protein drinks a day...for a total of around 400-500 calories a day. Sometimes, I wonder if that is too little...but, even if it is, I'm not sure how I would up it. We did get our weight machine...just still don't have it completely assembled...hopefully that will happen over the weekend.
3/28/03 - WEEK 8 - Wow! It's hard to beleive it's already been eight weeks! The time seems to have just flown by. Well, I wasn't able to walk for five days in a row this week so I was kind of surprised that I still lost four pounds. Of course, that didn't make getting started up again any easier either. I still find it a chore to get my walk in every day. Hopefully, as it warms up I can get outside which will make it much easier with the kids. This morning I was looking over my weight loss chart and was noticing that for a few weeks I was loosing five pounds a week, then four, for the past few weeks, except for the 1 1/2 week plateau (I actually lost the one single pound the day after my weigh in when I had only lost three the week before)...so, I am hoping to hold out at four pounds a week for a few more weeks now...but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Food is going much better. There isn't still a lot that sounds/tastes good, but I have been getting a little more creative with my cooking which has helped...and made the hubby a bit jealous at times too! I still have only thrown up twice, and it's been at least a couple of weeks since the last time...which is really nice. Last night we got our new weight machine...now if we can just find the time to get it set up! I am so excited to use it...unfortunately, we are going to be gone for a few days and so I won't get to try it out until next week. The nice thing is that the hubby and I have agreed to swap half hours on the weights and treadmill in the evenings...so I will finally have some company. Still drinking tons of water (80-120 ounces a day). I still think I need to work on upping my protein a bit more. I just have such a hard time figuring out how to get it all in. It seems like all I do all day is go from full to full trying to get it all in. I have also noticed this week that I can eat a little bit more occasionally (4-5 tablespoons of meats or denser foods), but it really seems to vary a lot still. I still have stayed away from most carbs, except green veggies (spinach, weed salad, broccoli and asparagus). I am still afraid to try new things because I don't feel like I can afford the dumping time if I eat something that doesn't agree with me. I still seem to even have a protein drink mixed with water get to me once in a while too...I just wish I could figure out the when and why of it happening. Fortunately, when it does happen, I can usually lay on the couch and sleep it off. Well, that's about all for this week! *Took my measurements again 3/31 and I am now down another 16.5 inches for a total of 31 inches.
3/21/03 - WEEK 7 - I'm so happy! After not really losing anything for the last one - two weeks I'm finally down another four pounds! It is SO hard to stay off of the scale. If food WAS my friend before, I think the scale may have taken it's place now! I was beginning to get a bit frustrated with the slow down in weight loss even though I knew it would pick back up sooner or later...it's just frustrating when you really want it to be sooner! Food has been going better this week. I have kind of been "pushing it" to see if I can eat a little more and have found that I can usually eat almost 1/4 cup of many things. Of course, there are still many things that I struggle with 2 tablespoons of though too, so I guess it all works out in the end. I would say at this point that most things are going down pretty well, unless I am in too big of a hurry that is! Last week I had introduced salads into my diet, which I have really liked, but this week I have backed off of them trying to really just focus on eating protein and very low carbs to see if I could get my body to start dropping weight again. I've also upped my water intake to 100+ ounces per day and my protein intake to three 23-27 gram shakes per day. And I've gone to walking on the treadmill for one hour straight, instead of the two half hour walks I had been doing...which I usually dread...somehow, an hour seems so much longer than two half hours! We also spent last weekend looking at weight machines and are hopefully going to buy one in the next week or two...I can't wait, I am so excited! I haven't lifted weights since I was in high school...and I really liked it then. I have always wanted to get back into it some, but just have never had a good enough reason, or was motivated enough to make it happen. I am hoping that adding some weight training to my schedule will get my metabolism going even more and I can finally start living a more "normal" (if there is such a thing) life. Well, happy spring to all...now if only the weather would cooperate!
3/14/03 - WEEK 6 - Well, I've officially hit my first plateau - and it is really miserable. It amazes me that a 244 pound person can actually consume 300-500 caloires a day (60+ grams of protein), drink 70-100 ounces of water and excercise for one hour a day and still not lose any weight! Some days I think I am going crazy! On the up side though, I had taken my measurements at four weeks and then during the middle of this last week when I realized that my weight was not budging, I took my waist and tummy measurements again...and in 1 1/2 weeks I had already lost another 2 inches in both of those areas, which is as much as I had lost in the previous four weeks! So, at least something is happening with my body. As of today though...nothing, no pounds, no inches, no nothing. My hubby assures me that it will all be okay...and I know he is right. I have also been encouraged to visit the library and read other Q&As about plateaus and then click on the peoples names (who were so desperate at the time) only to find that they have gone on to lose most (if not all) of their weight. I've also been struggling with food for the last few days. Nothing seems to sound good, and then when I do eat my stomach feels icky and I kind of wish I wouldn't have eaten. It's like eating has become a "necessary evil" in my life. I know I need to eat to lose, but I never thought that eating would become such a chore. I have also tried the "just eat and get it over with" approach a few times only to have that wonderful swallowed a brick feeling. So, not only do I not want to eat, but then when I do, I can't just get it over with and get on with my day, but then I get to feel nausious on top of it all...at least I can finally say, "Food is not my friend"...and I guess that in itself makes it all worth while.
3/10/03 - WEEK 5 - This week things seemed to come to a bit of a stand still. I didn't end up staying off the scale all week like I said I would. As of Thursday (the day before 5 weeks) I had only lost one pound and was getting a bit discouraged, but by Friday morning I had lost two more pounds...yeah! At this point I have only thrown up once and that was from eating two teaspoons of Cream of Wheat...go figure! I have also noticed that if I eat too quickly it feels like someone is stepping on my chest and I only "wish" I would throw up! I guess you live and learn. So far I have been staying with pretty safe things, both in texture and carb content. I also had two dumping episodes this week...the first (and worst) being from mixing one tablespoon of peanut butter into my protein drink...even though both seem to be okay by themselves...which I thought was odd. And the other time was from a coconut low carb protein bar. I'm kind of starting to wonder what the deal is. Even when I mix my protein with water, I feel kind of run down and icky for some time afterwards. Still drinking tons of water and walking too...hopefully I can keep up with a 3 pound loss per week for a few more weeks any way. All in all I have no complaints though and would do this again in a heartbeat.
2/28/03 - WEEK 4 - I have now officially dropped from morbidly obese to severely obese! How cool is that?...I think, it still doesn't sound so great...but hey, I'll take what I can get. Well, I'm finally back up to about 99%. I am also happy to say that I can now easily bend over and tie my shoes! Some days (other than carrying water around) I even forget I had surgery at all! I had my doctor appointment this last Wednesday. I was a bit disappointed because they had my starting weight at 270, but in the 10 weeks until my surgery I gained 9 pounds and then lost 5 which gave me a pre-surgery weight of 274. Then, by the time I got to my appointment, in the afternoon, I had drank 72 ounces of water and eaten three meals so their scale said that I weighed five pounds more than my scale at home did that morning when I got up...so between the two, they show that I have only lost 15.5 pounds! I think I'll stick to my scale! Oh well, the doctor did say that he thought it looked like I've lost more than that (15 pounds) and said that from what I've said that it probably is really more like 20. As of today I've resolved to only weigh myself once a week from now on...we'll see how long that lasts! I've also started on soft foods as of Wednesday. I still seems to be wanting to stick with what I know will work but have tried a few things here and there. So far, nothing seems to really be a problem...hopfully it will stay that way. I have been pretty bad about my protein until now. My average daily intake is only 15-20 grams. I did get some protein supplements in the mail, which I plan to start using tomorrow, that should help me get on track with that in a hurry. My water intake has been good, usually between 80-90 ounces a day. And I have still been walking for an hour a day and am slowly being able to pick up the pace. The doctor gave me the okay to go ahead and start using weights and excercising my stomach muscles any time I want to now. I took my measurements this morning and have lost 14.5 inches total...and it's starting to show...when I look in the mirror it's as if everything is starting to sag...which is good...it just looks a bit strange...but hey, at least it's progress!
2/21/03 - WEEK 3 - Wow it's hard to beleive it's been three weeks already. In some ways the time has just flown by in other ways it has crawled. I am still not hungry but am starting to think a lot more things look/sound good. I am also looking forward to starting soft (and hopefully spicy) foods next week. To me the strangest thing is that even though I used to really go for the sweets, things still taste strangely too sweet for my liking now. What I really go for now seems to be more the salty and spicy. I am up to walking one hour a day (in two thirty minute stretches) which comes out to be 1.5+ miles a day. My water (non-cal liquids) intake is holding steady at 80 ounces per day. And my calories are usually around 200 for the day...which seems so wrong. My nutritionist only wants me to eat three meals a day and only adds up to 6-9 tablespoons for the day. I have been doing four meals a day and trying to increase my amounts per meal. I can now actually eat 4 tablespoons (1/4 c.) of some things...but it can really vary a lot. I also have some protein powders/bars coming this week so hopefully that will help me up my calories and protein and give me a boost in the energy and weight loss department. Physically, I would say I am up to about 98%...but it is still a little hard to crouch and reach things from the bottom back of my cupboards or lift my 45 pound son into a cart. I think my biggest struggle right now is the scale. It's so hard not to weigh every day and feel like I'm not really losing anything. I know I should just put it away but I figure I'll give myself one more week then go to a weekly weigh in.
2/14/03 - WEEK 2 - It's been another week. At this point I would say that I am feeling back to about 95%. Started walking on Monday, which was 10 days post op. As of today I am walking in two twenty minute stetches, which ends up being about one mile. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but I have one of those Nordic Trak Walk Fit treadmills that you have to do all of the work on...I also walk at about a 6-8" incline. My goal is to work up to two thirty minute stretches (two miles) a day. As far as food goes, I still haven't been hungry and am still having probelms with dumping. My daily caloric intake has been around 100-200 calories per day...even with two protein drinks. Somehow this few calories feels all wrong! I'm thinking that I will go to three meals and two protein supplements and see if that helps. I read about people who are wondering if they ate "too much" or that eat 4+ ounces and I wonder where they put it all...as I am still having difficulties getting down one ounce of some things. On the plus side I have been able to get my water intake up to 60-70 ounces per day...but that is getting old quickly. We spent an hour at the store last night just trying to find anything that I thought I would/could eat or drink. For the most part though, I feel pretty good...so I guess I don't really have anything to complain about, do I?
2/7/03 - WEEK 1 - Well I made it! It has been a bit of a rough week. I guess I expected this surgery to be a bit more like my gallbladder surgery...let's just say it wasn't. The surgery itself went really well...but the hospital stay left some to be desired...but at least it was only 2 1/2 days. I got my drain tube out on Wednesday...which was not cool...but so nice to have out...it's amazing how much further you can bend and reach when you don't have a foot of tubing crammed inside of you! So far the drinking thing hasn't been hard...but it hasn't been easy either. I seem to get a lot of air trapped when I swallow...but even that seems to get better day by day. The best part of all is that I am down 11 pounds for the week...who would have ever thought...certainly not me! That in itself makes up for a lot of the other "issues" in itself.
1/27/03 - Down to 4 days! I can't beleieve that surgery is just around the corner. It seems as if these ten weeks have gone by sooo slowly. I'm starting to get a little bit nervous at times, but I try to put it out of my mind. It's not so much the surgery I'm worried about...I'm just not to thrilled with the hospital stay and not knowing what life will really be like on the losing side. We spent the weekend buying the last few little things I'd like to have around the house and, of course, eating all of the necessary "last meals". I guess all there is to do now is wait!
1/24/03 - Well, I had my pre-op physical today. Everything went great. My doctor was very encouraging and supportive about my decision to have surgery and said that I would be glad I did it. I didn't have to do any "tests" other than bloodwork, which kind of suprised me. I guess I am young enough and don't have any major health concerns so they don't do as many pre-op tests. As of this week I have also come to a place of peace about having surgery. I know this is the right thing for me and I know that it will all work out okay. My doctor was even telling me that my surgeon is excellent at what he does and has a very low complication rate...which is nice to hear from another respected doctor. I have also reconciled my feelings about it "not working" or about being seriously malnourished for the rest of my life...I would even go as far as to say that I am getting excited for next week to come. Now all I have to get past is the dreaded bowel prep!
1/17/03 - Down to two weeks now! I've been a bit more "unsettled" about my decision this last week. It seems that my trip to the dietician really got me to thinking about all of the "unknowns" of life as a post-op. I am having surgery so I can be I can be healthy (and thinner)...and I sure don't want to do it only to end up with other health problems, such as osteoperosis, down the road. I've spent many hours looking up information about digestion and vitamin supplementation on line and it just seems as if there are an aweful lot of variables and unknowns...especially longer term. Are we all guinnea pigs?...I did sign a consent for realease of "statistical" information for reasearch purposes. Any way, I think I've come full circle now and am feeling a bit better about the whole thing...part of me is even a bit excited to start my "new life". Hopefully this two weeks will go by quickly!
1/3/03 - Four weeks and counting! Had an appointment with the nutritionist yesterday. I can't say I was terribly impressed. Did seem to gain nine pounds in the last six weeks though! She said that it is common for people to gain weight before sugery...I guess that's just not what I had in mind. Starting to think about the finality of surgery and wondering what everything will really be like. Somehow I just can't wrap my mind around the reality of the changes to come yet. Part of me is wishing it was tomorrow the other part of me is thinking I must be at least a little bit crazy...
12/16/02 - Three weeks down...seven left to go! The time seems to be drifting slowly by. It seems as if most of my thoughts are now geared toward surgery and beyond. I can't seem to put it out of my mind. It seems that the upcoming hoidays only add to the very thoughts I am trying to push out of my mind. It is hard not to think that this may be the last "whatever". I try not to look at food that way, but it is hard not to. Right now it seems as if these seven weeks will be an eternity...
11/21/02 - Met with my surgeon, Dr. Charles Svendsen, yesterday. I really liked him right from the start. I can't say I was exactly thrilled with the bowel prep routine....I even told the nurse they better not cancel at the last minute. After meeting with the doctor I was able to schedule my surgery date. I had wanted to wait until after the first of the year because that is when my out of pocket expenses start over for the year...well I got the next soonest date, which turned out to be January 31. I was a bit disappointed. I guess I was hoping for more like 5 or 6 weeks...not 10. Oh well...I know most people would be happy with a 10 week, instead of 10 month wait. Hubby assures me that with the holidays that the time will just fly by...I hope he's right! So as of tomorrow....we're 10 weeks and counting!
11/05/02 - Got a copy of the letter my doctor's office sent to the insurance company today date 11/04/02...I was assuming that it would still be several days until I heard anything. Then, this afternoon, the nurse called and said that they had received approval today and had me schedule an appointment with the surgeon and dietician! This is starting to become more of a reality...yet somehow not real at all. I guess it's kind of like having a baby...you know you are pregnant and that there is a very real baby in there...but nothing can prepare you for that reality until it arrives. Thankfully, the wait should only be about 2 months!
11/01/02 - Had appointment with nurse practitioner today. Getting on the scale was a bit of a shock! :o Everything seemed to go well. If I would have known they were going to take my picture I would have worn make-up....of course anyone who looks isn't really going to notice that now are they? I was told that they would submit my request for insurance preapproval today...should hear back soon!
10/22/02 - Called to schedule appointment with the bariatric nurse. First available opening was on 11/1/02. So, here we go!
10/18/02 - Went to meeting...nothing terribly exciting. It was hard not to laugh at some of the questions people were asking...as if they had just found out about WLS yesterday. Turns out they are making appointments with the bariatric nurse into November and scheduling surgeries at the end of November. Is this just totally unheard of?
Hubby and I talked it over and I am going to proceed. We have both been a bit hesitant as I am in overall good health. The only "problems" I have are that my feet/legs hurt daily which makes it is difficult to do things with our children. I don't want to do this to create more problems. Of course, at the rate I am going, who is to say that I won't develop more obesity complications over the next several years as I enter my thirties.
Also decided that I would "get all of my ducks in a row" between now and the end of the year and hopefully schedule surgery right after the first of the year because that is when our yearly deductible/out of pocket expenses start over.
10/9/02 - Called to see when the next meeting for friend's doctor was because the doctors from the other two wating lists I was on only do opens. I called Methodist Hospital's surgery department and was told that they had one spot left in the next informational meeting which was October 18th! I couldn't believe it. Friend told me that "God was smiling at me".
9/02 - Friend of mine had RnY - lap done. Things went well. I am thinking that lap is the way to go. I am thinking it will be easier going lap being that I had my gallbladder out several years ago and I can somewhat relate to what that recovery will be like.
9/02 - Decided to contact another doctor that did the RnY. Called to get on the list for the informational meeting...the waiting list was into December this time with only 35 people scheduled per meeting.
8/02 - Found out that a friend of mine was hoping to have surgery in Aug/Sept. She told me that I should consider all of the surgery options not just the band.
7/02 - Called to get info. from doctor that I saw on TV told to sign up for informational meeting. Was told that there was still room in the October meeting and that they signed up 100 people for each meeting with 200-300 people showing up! Nearly fell out of my chair...but I still took the spot.
First learned about WLS on the news in May 2002...three family members had had the lapband and were seeing good results. Also said that a local doctor was doing this (lapband) surgery as a 30 minute "in and out" procedure. Sounded good to me. Really got me thinking. Mentioned it to a few people with mixed responses.